I'll be alone, dancing, you know it, baby...(has there ever been a more true lyric)?

Hello again. It's been a long while. Much longer than expected. I thought this might be a good time to resurface, now that it's the spooky season and hockey is about to return.

​It's almost like it never left. It seems like just last week I was watching game seven of the Stanley Cup Final from my dad's hospital room, cheering on the Panthers (much to his dismay). That time of being at the hospital every day feels like a weird dream--like it happened on another planet and I was someone else, and sometimes I wake up and think I have to get ready to go back. It's something I fear, and I don't know what's around the corner. I mean, we never know.

So, here we are again, at the start of the hockey season, awaiting that familiar feel-good sound of the Canucks' goal song, "Don't You (Forget About Me)" by Simple Minds. It really is the best goal song in the league, and I hope they roll with it for a very long time.

​I fell in love with the song many years ago, when The Breakfast Club first came out on video. I was having a sleepover with my friend, Patricia, and her mom let us rent it. I remember feeling so grown up watching it, back when being grown up seemed cool. I wonder what happened to Patricia. As it turns out, some people have wondered the same about me.

I was just going through my website, and came across some old form submissions I had missed. They were from over two years ago. There were two in particular I wish I had seen when they were submitted. One was from my college history professor, who had stumbled upon my blog and wanted to reach out to tell me that he was enjoying my writing. The other was from my high school boyfriend, who I haven't spoken to in ages.

As much as I felt badly about missing those messages, I didn't judge myself harshly for it. I'm getting better at that. I've finally learned the cost of that old habit, and I just can't afford it anymore.

I've had to face some scary realities that have made me reconsider what's important, and as it turns out, it's none of the things I once thought were. Well, maybe not NONE of those things, but there are some things that used to have value that no longer do. Social media spaces, surface-level connections, and other people's bullshit opinions, to name a few. I used to think I didn't care about those things, but I guess I did. I felt like I needed to explain myself to people, or answer questions about aspects of my life that were none of their business. I'm much more comfortable being silent and still now. And it's a good thing, because I need my energy for the things that really do matter.

On that note, I need to get going. Maybe I'll be back soon to talk about some of my bullshit opinions, or some shitty movies I've watched. 

The NHL is back in action today, so I'll be checking out some hockey games. I'm looking forward to seeing the Panthers start the season as the champs, and I'm feeling pretty good about the Canucks being in that position this time next year. The puck drops for the Canucks tomorrow, and oh boy, am I excited! It feels good to have things to be excited about. And there's always something, no matter how small. I remind myself of that each day. 

And, of course, I will leave you with a song. You know the one. The one I hope to hear lots tomorrow night, and many, many times this season. Enjoy, and take care. Go Canucks Go!

As most of you know, my love for both Billy Corgan and heavy metal runs deep, so when Revolver's Top 11 Greatest Heavy Metal Bands, according to Billy Corgan, crossed my YouTube feed, of course I had to check it out.

​I could listen to Billy Corgan talk all day on pretty much any topic. I respect his opinions even when I don't share them, and he's such a great storyteller. His interview for Rush: Beyond The Lighted Stage is one of my favourite parts of the movie. Side note: If you haven't watched Beyond The Lighted Stage, you absolutely must. Even if you're not a Rush fan. But of course you are.

Corgan's enthusiasm for wrestling and heavy metal is something I definitely share, and while I wouldn't have picked some of the bands he chose for this particular list, I enjoyed it, and was even surprised by a few. I won't get into the list in its entirety because I want you guys to watch the video, but I will mention a few highlights. "First of all, you gotta be rockin' with Dokken." The man's preaching to the choir, right? Putting Dokken on this list warmed my heart. I'm sure many wouldn't agree, and honestly, they wouldn't have made my top 11, but you gotta love Dokken getting some Corgan cred. I was also quite amused at the fact that he put Accept on the list, mentioning seeing them open for Maiden on the Powerslave tour, yet he didn't pick Maiden! I kinda love that. Probably my favourite part is when he says, "This is kinda what's wrong with the world sometimes...there's a lot of love and respect for Fate in the metal world, but the general public doesn't know Mercyful Fate." He's not wrong!

I'll leave it at that and let you guys see the rest for yourselves, as it's really worth the watch. And because I'm generous, I will leave you with not one song, but two!

The first is from the incredible Siamese Dream, an album I recently posted about on Instagram, because it's now 30 years old. Hard to believe. I was thirteen when it came out, and to this day, with each spin, it's like hearing it for the first time; those chords, those lyrics, those emotions. It still gives me goosebumps. It really is a perfect album. Every song is great. "Mayonaise" is my favourite. I think I feel the same way about that song as Billy Corgan does about Rush's "Entre Nous." Upon first listen, I remember feeling in my bones that it was written for me. I guess I still feel that way.

The second song is another favourite, from a band that I was VERY excited to see on Billy Corgan's list. I was late to the game with Savatage, only really getting into them in my mid-twenties. I still have the mix CD of Sirens/The Dungeons Are Calling that my old buddy made for me. Absolutely incredible stuff. Savatage is easily one of my favourite bands now, and I was pretty pumped to learn that Billy Corgan feels the same.

Enjoy, my friends! Until next time...🤘! An extra 🤘for those who get the title.

It's July 31st, which means that Halloween is exactly 3 months away. Today also marks the anniversary of one of my favourite films, The Lost Boys. I'm watching it right now, I'll watch it again during the spooky season, and I'll probably watch it again around the holidays. At this point, I think I've seen The Lost Boys more than any other movie. Mannequin used to hold that record, thanks to a childhood bet, and I bet I could still recite it word-for-word. Same goes for The Lost Boys. And, of course, Stand By Me. No question about it.

Earlier today, I was chilling in the cemetery with a friend who asked if I had a favourite horror movie. For some reason, The Lost Boys didn't come to mind. Sacrilege! Hellraiser did immediately, as it should, then A Nightmare On Elm Street and Candyman, but where were the Boys? There are others worth mentioning, of course, but I lock eyes with David every night before bed, for God's sake. How dare I forget?

Well, the mind is a curious thing, and mine's been curiously cloudy lately. I've been struggling to focus on much these days, and during a time when I desperately feel the need to. Things have been a bit scary, honestly. But I continue to remind myself that I like being scared, and it helps. It helps in times like these to remember who you are, because it's all too easy to forget.

Talking about movies, music and books helps to remind me of the things I love. I think my friends are aware of this, because they continue to engage me in conversations about that stuff when I'm down. One moment I'll be in tears and the next I'll be explaining why Clive Barker is the undisputed heavyweight champion of horror. I'm so grateful for the people who really know me. I'm also incredibly grateful for nature and all creatures great and small that continue to show up and remind me of the wonder and magic that I sometimes forget. 

I've been spending lots of time at the ocean, climbing the rocks and splashing my feet around in the water. I recently hung out with this amazing great blue heron, who caught two eels in front of me. These patient, skillful hunters are my favourite birds, and they've been appearing in sleeping and waking life, right on cue. Right when things feel too much, as if to say, don't forget me! Don't forget the magic.
I've also been spending as much time as possible in the backyard, relaxing and admiring the garden. In doing so, I recently met a little fuzzy fairy friend. Again, reminding me of the wonder and whimsy that sometimes speaks in tiny little voices that we would detect more often, if we would only listen.

I think that's been the greatest gift I've received during this time. A time when things have been upside down and not making much sense. A time with many questions and few answers. I'm starting to realize that I don't need them. Nothing is absolute anyway. Why not focus on making friends with dinosaur birds and fairies instead? I thought about this while lounging in the backyard, pondering how much time I have left in this place that I call home. But who knows how much time I have anywhere? Nobody knows.

I'm sure Mr. Donut didn't know he only had about a week. 

Who even is Mr. Donut? Well, it appears that someone was extra curious as his body was exhumed. My friend and I both considered looking inside the box, but who knows what would transpire? Who knows what's really in there? Once you open it, it'll never be closed in your mind again. As soon as the word maggots was uttered, I knew it was a no-go. Actually, I knew before that. I want to remain in Mr. Donut's good books, whoever and whatever he is, just in case. So I gave him another burial.

Some things should stay buried and others should not.

That's why I've been occasionally getting high on the porch and listening to Rush. It's a way of unearthing my feelings without getting too heavy. I get to contemplate the complexities of life while having an awesome time. It's safe exploration. That's the beauty of Rush. I don't get that feeling from listening to anything else. I guess this is where I share a favourite song. It's a special one that I've been feeling so hard lately. I still get goosebumps reminiscing about seeing them perform this live. Fuck, I'm lucky. I hope you enjoy it. 

I also hope to be back with another installment soon. I've been writing so much lately but not sharing anything. I even had two nearly-finished blog posts written in June, but what can you do? Sometimes you just want to keep things to yourself, and that's ok. I've also got some new plans in the works. New adventures, and I might even bring you along for the ride. We shall see!

Until next time...headphones in, volume up, for "Vital Signs."

I'm officially over the heat and it's not even June. I knew it was fairly bold to entertain the idea of declaring myself a "summer person" after enjoying one hot sunny day. Funny enough, the morning after writing that last post, I woke up thinking Fuck, I want to die. I think the sudden onslaught of sunshine had me feeling pretty manic, and what goes up must come down.

​I just realized that this happens to me every year. Manic episodes in April/May when we start getting a lot of sun. Now that I'm aware, I can focus on hanging in the shade more and cooling my jets.

In other news, the other day I went to the cemetery with a purpose, which is pretty rare since I mostly wander aimlessly. I wanted to just sit in silence. Another rarity for me, as I'm usually plugged in to my headphones, listening to music or podcasts. I don't think there's anything wrong with that, but I started to realize that I haven't been spending much time with my own thoughts. That's not always a bad thing, believe me, but sometimes I wonder how things would be without as much influence from the outside world. At times I fantasize about living in the woods with my animal friends and no connection to anyone or anything else. What would life be like? Would I still like the same things? Would I get to be that old witchy woman that the kids in the neighbouring town make up stories about? Dare to dream.

While sitting in silence in the cemetery, I became incredibly aware of how noisy it was. The maintenance crew was in full-force, mowing grass and whacking weeds, and a steady stream of nearby traffic flooded the grounds, but it wasn't so bad. During that time, I observed something about what happens to my mind without the music and chatter...my mind just fills it in. Otis Redding singing about ole man trouble, Devin Townsend telling me to let it roll, somebody's Heine' crowdin' my icebox. Random lyrics from songs I hadn't even listened to recently, and for some reason the Family Ties theme song. My mind is a strange place, people, but I don't need to tell you that.

​This little experiment lead me to believe that true silence can only be achieved in death. Or maybe not even then. I just pictured a poor unfortunate spirit floating around, thinking does she ever shut the fuck up?!

After sitting for a while with my new squirrel friend, I decided to walk around, and came across the sweetest inscription on a headstone. It read, "He made home happy." How wonderful. I started thinking about what my grave will look like, if I have one, and what it might say. She loved animals and cried about bugs. Something like that, I presume, but who's to say. Is it weird if I write my own epitaph? Probably. I guess it's supposed to represent how you're remembered by others. But I don't know about others. I've also been thinking about writing my own obituary and creating an updated funeral playlist to make sure my mom doesn't play something awful. If I die before I'm able to make this playlist and you attend whatever service transpires, please don't let anyone play shitty music. I will haunt you forever if Michael Bublé gets airtime at my funeral, I can promise you that. On that note, I will leave you with something good to listen to; a song that I've been in love with ever since hearing it for the first time as a child. I felt those lyrics so hard then, and still do now.

Until next time...KR out!

It's the second-to-last day in April, and I spent a good chunk of it here. Man, am I lucky! Not only did I get to enjoy this incredible view, but I had the whole beach to myself. For a decent amount of time, too. Until I was ready to leave. Perfect. 

It was really hot today so I knew I wanted to be at the water, and I was hoping there wouldn't be a crowd on the rocks, but also wasn't holding my breath. When you get nice weather like this, you kind of expect to see tons of people, but for some reason, at this little beach, there wasn't. I cannot believe my good fortune. It might sound weird, but I haven't felt this lucky in a long time. Today was everything I needed--fresh ocean air, glorious sunshine, climbing around barefoot on the rocks, playing in tidepools, watching the birds drifting in the breeze, listening to good tunes. Thank you, thank you, thank you universe. 

I didn't really want to leave the beach, but I'm pale as all hell and needed to make sure not to overstay my welcome, so I packed up my stuff and climbed back over the rocks to make my trek home. As I was leaving, a lovely young woman appeared, scaling the rocks towards me. We chatted about how lucky we were to be at that beautiful spot with virtually no-one around. She said that everyone she'd come across today was just smiling away, in a fantastic mood. The same thing was true for me. After going our separate ways, I was thinking about how nice it was to share a moment of pure gratitude with a stranger.

Upon returning home from the beach today, I decided to watch Jaws (and eat fish and chips because I love themed food). 

Jaws is such a perfect summer movie, right up there with Dazed and Confused and The Texas Chain Saw Massacre. It's not summer, of course, but it sure feels like it. I still love that one scene where Brody is throwing chum into the water and Jaws (Bruce) appears, scaring the bejesus out of him. The line, "You're gonna need a bigger boat" makes me chuckle every time. Man, I really wish the shark didn't die at the end. It'll never not bother me. I am always rooting for the creature, no matter what the species. I wonder if anywhere nearby shows Jaws at the beach. I've heard of other places doing it--projecting the film and having people watching it while floating in innertubes at night. How terrifying. I don't know if I would do it, not necessarily because of how scary it would be, but because I doubt I'd want to hang out on the lake or ocean at night for that long. I'd need to beach myself or something. I'm too old for that shit.

On that note, I'm super zonked from the sun and need to step away from computing for a while. It's not even 6:00 and I'm already in my cozies (Kenna lingo for whatever you like to wear to bed). I think I'm going to sit on the porch for a bit, hang with my squirrels then maybe I'll watch the rest of the Leafs' game. It looks pretty boring so far. The Leafs literally just scored after I typed that. Hah. Alright, Leafs, you go.

The other day I was digging in my safe, which is really just a glorified book shelf, searching for a book I seem to have lost. I never found it, but I came across something else. Something of greater value. A message from an old friend. Ben used to write me notes when we worked together, and leave them in my drawer behind the counter, and sometimes I'd leave notes for him too. Silly little messages to make each other laugh, or words of encouragement, or just to let each other know when a hot guy or girl started working in the plaza ("Steelers Guy," for example). I loved that about Ben--he was always looking out for me. One of the funniest things he ever wrote was in response to me telling him about my first solo apartment. I told him that it didn't really have a bedroom, just a Murphy bed in a closet. He said, "Bedrooms are for wimps!" I laugh every time I think of it.

​This particular note was an attempt to get me pumped up about life during a difficult time. In peak cheerleader form, the note contained comments like, "YOU ARE AMAZEBALLS! and "BIGGER, BADDER, LIFE CHANGING GOALS!" My favourite part was him trying to get me excited about taking vacations..."Two weeks? No! Too weak! Two months! Recharge and reconnect with you!" Strangely enough, that's kind of what I did to kick off this year. I mean, I was really sick and had to step away from things so it wasn't exactly a vacation, but I certainly did recharge and reconnect with myself. Ben would be happy about that. Another thing I think he'd be happy about is the fact that I'm still (kind of) keeping up with this blog.

That was the main point of that note he left me. He was encouraging me to start a blog. That was almost exactly eight years ago, and I'm still at it. So, happy anniversary to this thing! I don't know how long I'll keep it up, but it's been a great experience. Looking back at some of the things I've shared on here makes me cringe a little, but it's totally fine. I made an agreement with myself when I first started that I wouldn't delete anything, no matter how gross or embarrassing. William Faulkner once wrote, "Unless you're ashamed of yourself now and then, you're not honest." I guess that tracks. 

Speaking of tracks, the one I'll be sharing with you with today has me all kinds of excited because, not only is it one of my favourites from one of the greatest of all-time, but it's a track I might get to hear live this Fall. On October 16th, I'm attending a juggernaut of a rap show: The N.Y. State of Mind Tour (Nas, Wu-Tang Clan and De La Soul). WHAT?! De La was just added to the bill, and while I feel a little sad about it since we lost Dave this year, I'm also looking forward to seeing an awesome tribute to an artist who had a hand in shaping my identity as a youngster. I always regretted not seeing De La, and now it's actually on the itinerary. 

​As for Wu-Tang, I mean...come on! This is a dream show for me. I have such fond memories of playing Donkey Kong Country all summer with my friend while listening to 36 Chambers on repeat (and some Too $hort, too). I'm not sure which Wu-Tang members are going to be there, but I'm inclined to believe that both Raekwon and Ghostface will be, which means that I'll likely be hearing some favourite songs from another favourite album, including one song in particular, featuring Nas, that I'll be sharing a little something about soon. This is going to be an epic night. Also, Guns N' Roses just happens to be playing in Vancouver, close by, on the same night. Fucking wild! Van City is going to be absolutely lit that night! I must admit that it was tempting to find a way to go to both, but it's not going to work out. Honestly, though, I'm happy with the one show. It's bonkers as it is, and if given the choice between the two, I'd choose the one I've already got tickets to. It's what Ben would call a "Maja-concert," something he wanted me to attend more often. In fact, in that note I found, he said I should attend "FOUR MAJA-CONCERTS A YEAR." Oh, Ben. Sometimes I wonder what you'd think of me now. How I've grown and changed. Everything is so different, and it's only been four years. Holy, it's been four years! And, to think, I'm actually older than you now! I hope you're having a chuckle about that. I hope everyone out there is finding something to laugh about, because one thing that I keep reminding myself of is not to take life too seriously. 

And now I will leave you, as I often do, with a smile and a song. Nas' sophomore album, It Was Written, gets a lot of flack, because it follows arguably the greatest rap album of all-time, Illmatic, but I've always enjoyed it. It takes me back to simpler times of driving around with cool guys and gals and kickass stereos with killer base, causing a ruckus and having a laugh. 

I hope you enjoy this incredible song, my friends, and I hope to be back with another chapter soon.

Yeah right, who am I kidding?

I haven't shared anything on here since November, which makes sense to me because things have been a little nuts since then. I'm not going to go too far into it because I want to shift the direction of this blog pretty soon and focus more on music, movies and murders, but it's been a mess.

Long story short (a classic intro to a very long, drawn-out saga) I got The Rona around New Years and haven't been the same since. That said, I also don't want to go back to where I was before. I was in the midst of one of my longest bouts with depression and nothing seemed to help, then, wham! It was almost like the universe slammed on the brakes. I had to stop everything. I didn't leave the house for a month, left my job to focus on my health, and in the process lost my fucking mind. That last part was the best part. 

When you get hit hard with that virus, it's like you're tripping balls without drugs. Everything was spinning, and I found myself staring in the mirror at my dilated pupils for what felt like forever. I was basically back in high school, without the drama. I also happened to pull a couple near all-nighters because I couldn't breathe well and was afraid of dying. Talk about a bad trip. And I still haven't left the party. 

Thankfully I'm not rocking a hangover and tasting raspberry cider barf. I'm just...not home. But I am at home. Things are just different. Everything is just a shell of what once was. And for that, I'm both freaked out and grateful. During the thick of the sickness, I reached this point where I was lying in bed and heard "nothing matters, and none of this is real," and it wasn't my voice, and it was strangely comforting. If none of this is real, then there's nothing to be afraid of and nothing to be upset about. I keep reminding myself of that when I get scared about how I'm going to pay rent or what's to come next, because I know, somehow, it'll get figured out. Life will go on, until it stops. And there won't be much to worry about then, right?

I hope you're finding the humour in this, because I'm not taking any of this too seriously. I've finally learned that worrying doesn't help. It doesn't change the situation. And sometimes starting at zero isn't a bad place. We all start there, and sometimes we go back and start there again, and again, and again. And it's fine. It doesn't mean you have to stay there. Nobody and nothing stays the same.

On that note, I am working on crawling out of my hermit shell here and there, and the timing is right, because it's the real start of the new year: spring! I want to start working on projects again, and get back to writing on this blog.

I just noticed that I currently have 18 drafts saved on here, one of which is from 2017. It's titled "I Dunno" and just says, "Deodorant commercials make me feel like I'm not doing enough with my life. There's a current one where a gorgeous young woman is a fit DJ/classical musician who likes to go on fancy dates with her beautiful boyfriend and seems to devote her spare time to working out." I don't remember ​said commercial. There's another one from around the same time titled, "It Was Nothing Like That, Penis Breath!" which was clearly supposed to be about ET, but there are no words, just a picture of Elliott with ET. I'm such an Elliott. I've probably said it hundreds of times, but I'm Elliott and Gordie Lachance from Stand By Me, and always will be.

Well, I think I'll leave it there for now, and hopefully be back soon with something to say about something. Until then, I'll leave you with sexy smoking Johnny Depp in this Lemonheads video, which is so '90s. It truly warms my heart.

Thanks for stopping by!

​KR out!

Jesus Christ, it's that time again, isn't it? Even Mary looks pissed off about it. Kidding. I happen to be pretty excited about the holidays coming up, mostly because I really need to step away and relax, but also because I have some projects I'm eager to spend time on. Oh, AND, thanks to my dear friend, I'm going on a little trip to Vancouver to check out the Christmas Market and see a Canucks game! I haven't been to a Canucks game in ages, and haven't been to Vancouver since the King Diamond concert in 2019. I love Vancouver and always enjoy my time there, and unlike many who hate taking the boat off the island, I happen to love the ferry! Even the little announcements over the PA make me happy. I just remembered the nausea-inducing boat ride back from King Diamond. That was something. I get seasick sometimes, but have never felt that sick on a BC Ferry until then. Didn't spew, though.

Earlier today, in an effort to ease my mind about some uncertainties, I decided to turn to another kind of fairy--my oracle cards. I don't spend time with them as often as I'd like to, but today was a day for slowing down as I threw my neck out while sneezing and couldn't go to work. I'd make a joke about aging, but I swear I did the same thing in my twenties. I think it has more to do with tension or stress in the body, paired with a lack of mindfulness. I was trying to be quiet. It was 6:30 in the morning and I didn't want to wake the house up, so I kinda tried to hold in the sneeze. Don't do that. That's my advice for the day. Actually, my real advice is to not fight against your body. My neck was like, NOPE, and I was like OK, I won't. So I didn't, and here I am. I need to stop rambling, though, to keep this short and prevent further strain.

Anyway, this is the card I pulled, and it's exactly the message I needed. It might be the message we all need. Not sure about you guys, but I've been struggling a lot lately, trying to walk that level path that everyone seems to be confidently strutting down and I continue to roll my ankles at every turn. I honestly believe that that's why I've got so much tension in my body and why I spend most of my days either bawling or choking back tears. This ain't it, sonny boy. And that's ok. 

I used to think there was something wrong with me, and depending on your definition of wrong, maybe there is, but sometimes wrong just feels so right. I think that going against what feels right in favour of what seems acceptable is at the root of my suffering. There are other things at play, for sure, things I need to work on, and I'm working on it. But I don't think I'll make significant progress if I continue to steer myself away from that path less trodden. I love that word. 

Right now, I'm not even sure I see a path, but I'm pretty sure I can hoe. 

So as I sit here gearing up to watch Monday Night Football (dear God, the Steelers are playing. My neck is fucked), I find myself asking what I have to lose. A football game? Likely. But what do I have to lose in life by taking a risk? Everything? Nothing? I dunno. Probably something in between? I do know that not finding out is going to kill me, though. It's already killing me. So what now? Critics have been getting on Kenny Pickett's case about not throwing deep enough, and I totally get it. But I also get why he doesn't. Fear. You risk throwing it away or missing and looking like an idiot, or worse, getting picked off. And that's something I consider every day. What if it doesn't work out? What if it's a disaster? But I'm already feeling pretty disastrous doing things I don't love, so why not risk disaster doing something I do love, right? 

But here's the thing...when you throw a Hail Mary, you must have a receiver. You can't do it all alone. This is me asking for help. Haha. I'm not great at this, but if anyone is able to offer assistance, either financially or with opportunities/collaborations, hit me up! I'm looking to step away from what is not serving me and walk towards what I enjoy. I'm working on a plan and seeking out resources and I'm getting ready to take a leap. It's not going to be easy, but not much ever is, so any help would be appreciated so very much. Sometimes even a kind word or intention is enough, and if that's all you've got to offer, I sincerely appreciate it, and thank you.

Now it's time for a motivating song, and time for a heating pad.

Thanks for stopping by! Oh, and feel free to email me at [email protected] (also my PayPal) to get in touch.

​KR

I'm back! And so is football! And I don't want to talk about it.

Kidding. I actually do, because I relate to what my team is going through right now and I think this might be a fun way to approach this whole collapse/rebuild scenario that's playing out.

So I just finished watching the Steelers beat the Bucs, and I'm at a loss, because I fully anticipated that I'd be writing this after losing. But here we are. Before the game, the Steelers had a 1-4 record and were pretty much the worst team in the league. I don't think I've ever seen the team like this, and I know a lot of people are loving it. Haters. But I get it. You love to see the good teams get bad. That's the nature of the beast. But, honestly, I'm not that mad about where we're at right now (aside from Kenny Pickett being out with a concussion). The Steelers are in the middle of a rebuild and they're trying to find their footing. And so am I.

A couple months ago, I left my job of nine years to pursue something different. A new start. I'd been trying to step outside of my comfort zone more and more, trying all sorts of new things to shake things up. But in doing so, I ended up pretty shaken up. I'm starting to realize why it's called stepping out of your comfort zone. But it wasn't just a feeling of discomfort I was experiencing, it was a full-on rejection of some of these new experiences. I felt it in my body. I had panic attacks every day for nearly a month, and it was bad. I thought about sharing something at the time, to see if anyone could offer any helpful suggestions, but I was paralyzed. Absolutely stricken with fear and grief. Sick to my stomach every day, crying all night, not sleeping, depressed as all hell. It was no fun. And I hadn't felt that level of anxiety and depression at the same time in ages.

Luckily, I did have the presence of mind to reach out to my therapist, which was helpful, and I decided to put the focus on what's happening internally rather than frantically attempting to change my external world. Essentially, trying to rebuild my sense of self. But it's been hard. Running away is a coping mechanism I've used for far too long, and I wanted to show myself that I could take care during difficult times without making rash decisions. Having said that, I'm also making a promise to myself to not stay in situations that aren't serving me for longer than I need to. Because that's the thing about trying new things...you're not necessarily going to like everything you try. In fact, you probably won't like everything. And it's not a reflection of your shortcomings or a lack of drive or intelligence, sometimes something just isn't a good fit or doesn't jive with you, and that's totally fine. It took me a while to finally accept that, but I'm so glad that I did, because things were getting pretty scary.

How fitting, because it's the spooky season! It sure hasn't felt like it around here, though. Even though the leaves have been changing colour and scattering around, we've still got summer temperatures. It's pretty weird. I honestly can't think of another time where we haven't put the heat on by mid-October. It's kind of pissing me off, actually. But I'm trying not to get too cranky about it. Halloween is two weeks away, and I want to enjoy the season as much as I can. I've been watching tons of horror and Halloween movies, specials and documentaries, visited a corn maze, picked out pumpkins, put up decorations. The usual. Even though I haven't really been feeling the spirit of the season, I'm determined to keep trying. I think I'm pretty good at trying. Here's a list of what I've watched so far, during the month of October, and a couple things I watched in the last few days of September.

1. Donnie Darko (2001)
God, I can't believe how old this one is now. I remember being obsessed when it first came out. Such a comfort film for me, and a great movie for the spooky season.
2. Woodlands Dark and Days Bewitched: A History of Folk Horror (2022)
This is a cool documentary on the genre. I made a list of films to track down while watching, because there are many that I haven't seen. I love witchy, folksy, cultic things, and if you do too, I recommend checking this out. It's a little long but the time flies by.
​3. Kill List (2011)
People have been recommending this one for years, and I finally decided to watch it. I really enjoyed it. It's pretty brutal, but in a good way.
4. Terrified (2017)
I put this one on my list after watching some episodes of The 101 Scariest Horror Movie Moments of All Time ( I guess that belongs on this list too, but whatever). The funny thing is, the moment that's supposed to be super scary actually made me laugh. The movie was ok, but I doubt I'll watch it again.
5. The House of the Devil (2009)
I can't say enough good things about this film. I love it so much and think it's a perfect pick for the season. I'm starting to watch it every year now. That's when you know it's love.
6. The Blackcoat's Daughter (2015)
I've seen this movie three times now, and I like it more each time. Nothing beats that feeling of the first watch, of course, but it's a great one to revisit. The dark, chilling atmosphere would make for an excellent winter watch, actually, but it's good for the spooky season, too. 
7. Annihilation (2018)
This was a first time watch for me and I thought it was pretty good overall. Some unforgettable scary scenes.

8. Rocktober Blood (1984)
YOU'VE GOT RAINBOW EYEEEEEEEES! That song will be stuck in your head for days and you'll love it. Well, I love it, anyway. A great one to throw on during a Halloween party or gathering. Super fun watch and excellent soundtrack. 
9. Intruder (1989)
I had never seen this before and I've been missing out. It's directed by Scott Spiegel and features both Raimi brothers. The grocery store is the perfect backdrop for this story, which is actually pretty scary despite the cheesy stuff, but the fear factor comes from the abusive ex boyfriend character. Those early scenes are pretty uncomfortable, and I must say that I'm not a fan of the way he ends up being the hero in the end. Not for me. But, overall, it's a fun movie with great kills.
10. Halloween 4: The Return of Michael Myers (1988)
I don't revisit this one that much, but I was in the mood. It's got lots of great '80s nostalgia that I love seeing, and little Danielle Harris is so cute.
11. Halloween Kills (2021) 
I saw this baby in the theatre and wasn't that impressed. I liked it more the second time around, but it's not a favourite. It does have great kills, though. I look forward to checking out Halloween Ends. 
12. Candyman (2021)
Another first time watch. I enjoyed this sequel/reimagining of the brilliant Clive Barker original. I'm such a fan of Bernard Rose's 1992 adaptation so I was a little afraid that I wouldn't like this one, but I did! I love surprises like that. Speaking of Bernard Rose...I tried watching Frankenstein (2015) last night and oh my god was it brutal. It wasn't bad, but it was gory and depressing as all hell and I finally turned it off after 37 minutes of pure suffering. I can appreciate what he was trying to do, and I thought it was quite well done, but I just wasn't able to put myself through that and likely never will be. Live and learn, I suppose. If anyone has made it though to the end, let me know what you think.

13. Children of the Corn (1984)
After playing around in the corn maze, it felt right to throw on this classic. I love the story and the movie is so well done. For some reason, the poster used to scare the shit out of me when I was a kid. 
14. Trick Or Treats (1982)
This was a wild and wacky one that I hadn't seen before. The kid who's supposed to be annoying is actually super entertaining and funny. It wasn't anything to write home about, but it was fun.
15. Beetlejuice (1988)
Such a classic that I don't watch often at all. I've seen it so many times, though. A great option for the spooky season, particularly if you need a kid friendly movie.
16. Puppet Master (1989)
On the other hand, please don't show this one to kids. I watched this as a kid and there's no way in hell I should have. It's not only extremely horny with tons of nudity, but it's pretty rapey and uncomfortable. Mom and Dad, I think we need to talk.
17. The Witches (1990)
Here's another great one that's kid-friendly. Based on Roald Dahl's incredible story, this adaptation is a fun watch and perfect for the spooky season. Bonus if you love rodents like I do. Lots of cute furry friends.

18. The Exorcist lll (1990)
I knew I wanted to revisit this gem during the spooky season, but I figured I'd watch it today after an episode of The Jeffrey Dahmer Tapes inspired me to. Dahmer was distracted by watching this movie, allowing one of his victims to escape. Cool story, and cool movie. Brad Dourif, George C. Scott and Jason Miller are all amazing. Side note: not sure if I've mentioned this before, but I only recently found out that George C. Scott is Campbell Scott's dad and Jason Miller is Jason Patrick's dad. It kind of blew my mind. Anyway, this movie also has one of the scariest scenes I've ever seen in any movie. If you've seen it, you know the one, and I fully expect it to be on the final episode of The 101 Scariest Moments in Horror series. If not, the show is bunk. That's all I'm saying.

And that's all I've got left to say, folks. I'm exhausted and have a case of the Sunday scaries with the work week approaching. I just want life to be more fun. I don't think it's too much to ask, so I'm going to make an effort to bring more fun into my life. This season is always good for that, because I look forward to watching something scary or Halloweeny each night. It's a good time. Aside from continuing with my seasonal stuff, I think I'm going to read more and write more and make some future plans. Creative plans. Big plans. Things to look forward to. And, hey, the Steelers won today. Things can turn around, right?

Until next time, boils and ghouls!

So I finally watched The Iceman (2012), and I have some thoughts.

It's no accident that I waited so long to check this one out, which may surprise you since I'm such a true crime maven. The reason I've been avoiding this movie is because my first introduction to Richard Kuklinski (The Iceman) fucked me up.

Many years ago, while flipping channels, something piqued my curiosity. A documentary about who was described as possibly the most coldhearted killer to ever exist. So, naturally, I popped some popcorn, grabbed a blanket and settled in for what ended up being a pretty disturbing ride that didn't end when the film did.

As I've said before, I'm no stranger to disturbing content and had at that point watched many true crime documentaries and things of that nature, but some things came up during this particular show that proved to be harder to shake than most things I'd come across at the time.

It was an interview-style documentary where Kuklinski divulged many details of his crimes and discussed his upbringing and early experiences with cruelty. The latter being the part that messed me up the most. Yes, it involved animals. No, I wasn't surprised that it would, and no, I am not going to discuss the details. You can look it up if you want, though I don't recommend it. The acts themselves were horrific, but I think it was the callous nature in which he described them that bothered me the most. I remember thinking that I hated this man so much and didn't like existing in a world with people like him.

What he said haunted me for weeks. I couldn't stop thinking about it. Back then I was much more dysregulated than I am now and found it difficult to ground myself or even know how to manage my emotions or self-soothe, so looking back it kind of makes sense why this particular documentary rattled me so much. I'm not saying that it shouldn't have messed me up a bit, but I was quite consumed by it and didn't allow myself to watch anything scary for a long time afterwards.

​Now cut to last night.

This goes without saying, but I'm going to say it. Michael Shannon is incredibly hot and WAY too hot in this movie. His dashing good looks and impeccable fashion sense was very distracting and I just felt enamored by his screen presence. Of course hot people can be horrible, but let's not get it twisted. The Iceman was not hot. 

Having said that, I really enjoyed this movie. It's incredibly entertaining and well-acted with an all star cast and a captivating atmosphere. It's hard not to love this film, but I didn't love how I found myself rooting for Kuklinski. Not because of Michael Shannon's good looks, though I'll admit that didn't help, but because he portrayed a man with feeling. Someone who seemed to care deeply for his family. In a way, despite the savagery, he seemed like a good man. And this film didn't even dive into his background of abuse, which could potentially sway the viewer into having empathy for this psychopath. So what happened? I wonder why I didn't feel rattled or disturbed by the story this time around. I wonder why this film took such a different angle. I wonder if others feel the same way I do about this one. I mean, I don't care that much, but I'm a little curious. Am I just desensitized or did this film actually manage to lighten things up a bit? Did the filmmakers really believe that Richard Kuklinski cared about his family? It's possible. It's possible that they believed it, but it's also possible that it's true. At least that's what this film has me pondering. 

I guess job well done, The Iceman! You got me thinking.

Now I think I'll leave you with a tune (not Vanilla Ice) from the movie that actually makes me think of Boogie Nights. I kind of wish they picked another song because I hate when movies repeat songs that are associated with other films, but it's a good song so it's all good.

Thanks for stopping by for a quick read, and if you haven't watched The Iceman, I recommend you check it out. Super entertaining. Skip the documentary and watch Michael Shannon instead.