If I make it through today
I'll know tomorrow not to leave my feelings out on display
Yeah right, who am I kidding?
I haven't shared anything on here since November, which makes sense to me because things have been a little nuts since then. I'm not going to go too far into it because I want to shift the direction of this blog pretty soon and focus more on music, movies and murders, but it's been a mess.
Long story short (a classic intro to a very long, drawn-out saga) I got The Rona around New Years and haven't been the same since. That said, I also don't want to go back to where I was before. I was in the midst of one of my longest bouts with depression and nothing seemed to help, then, wham! It was almost like the universe slammed on the brakes. I had to stop everything. I didn't leave the house for a month, left my job to focus on my health, and in the process lost my fucking mind. That last part was the best part.
When you get hit hard with that virus, it's like you're tripping balls without drugs. Everything was spinning, and I found myself staring in the mirror at my dilated pupils for what felt like forever. I was basically back in high school, without the drama. I also happened to pull a couple near all-nighters because I couldn't breathe well and was afraid of dying. Talk about a bad trip. And I still haven't left the party.
Thankfully I'm not rocking a hangover and tasting raspberry cider barf. I'm just...not home. But I am at home. Things are just different. Everything is just a shell of what once was. And for that, I'm both freaked out and grateful. During the thick of the sickness, I reached this point where I was lying in bed and heard "nothing matters, and none of this is real," and it wasn't my voice, and it was strangely comforting. If none of this is real, then there's nothing to be afraid of and nothing to be upset about. I keep reminding myself of that when I get scared about how I'm going to pay rent or what's to come next, because I know, somehow, it'll get figured out. Life will go on, until it stops. And there won't be much to worry about then, right?
I hope you're finding the humour in this, because I'm not taking any of this too seriously. I've finally learned that worrying doesn't help. It doesn't change the situation. And sometimes starting at zero isn't a bad place. We all start there, and sometimes we go back and start there again, and again, and again. And it's fine. It doesn't mean you have to stay there. Nobody and nothing stays the same.
On that note, I am working on crawling out of my hermit shell here and there, and the timing is right, because it's the real start of the new year: spring! I want to start working on projects again, and get back to writing on this blog.
I just noticed that I currently have 18 drafts saved on here, one of which is from 2017. It's titled "I Dunno" and just says, "Deodorant commercials make me feel like I'm not doing enough with my life. There's a current one where a gorgeous young woman is a fit DJ/classical musician who likes to go on fancy dates with her beautiful boyfriend and seems to devote her spare time to working out." I don't remember said commercial. There's another one from around the same time titled, "It Was Nothing Like That, Penis Breath!" which was clearly supposed to be about ET, but there are no words, just a picture of Elliott with ET. I'm such an Elliott. I've probably said it hundreds of times, but I'm Elliott and Gordie Lachance from Stand By Me, and always will be.
Well, I think I'll leave it there for now, and hopefully be back soon with something to say about something. Until then, I'll leave you with sexy smoking Johnny Depp in this Lemonheads video, which is so '90s. It truly warms my heart.
Thanks for stopping by!
I'm finally doing it--pulling my insides out and splattering them around for all to see. Here we go!