app-etite for destruction
Today I did something I almost never do...I watched a deer in the cemetery without taking a picture of it. I just let it be. I stood there and observed, without a device in hand (though I will admit to having my iPod in my pocket). How else do you listen to The Church in the cemetery?
While I feel I must apologize for giving you this terrible image to look at rather than a picture of a sweet young fawn, I feel good about my decision. See, I'm trying to change the ways I've been doing things. I'm working on letting go. Letting go of stuff--unnecessary objects and things that take me away. Not entirely though, as my new friend OG Kush would attest to, but I'm working on slowing down and having less clutter. I guess it seems like there's so much in the way of what I want and, sadly, it also seems that I've put that stuff there.
Recently I caught myself going through my phone for no apparent reason (I hate when you bust yourself doing that) but it ended up being super helpful in opening my eyes to something I hadn't thought about for long enough. My phone, which I once reserved for texting, taking photos and calling people (yes, I said calling, I'm old), had become flooded with apps. I probably didn't even know what an app was until a couple years ago (again, I'm old) and now my phone was bedazzled with multi-coloured squares--so much so that I could barely see the photo I saved as my background. It kinda freaked me out.
Facebook! Twitter! Instagram! Etsy! theScore! WhatsApp! I'm beginning to see why these flashy little squares had been stealing so much of my attention, and way WAY too much of my time. In one particularly startling moment, I went onto the Facebook app, which logs you in automatically when you touch it, got bored and logged off, then hit the button to log back in right after. Automatically. What is happening to me?! Well, I should say what WAS happening, as I deleted most of those apps from my phone over a month ago.
It's so scary that the apps I once used to connect with other people were making me feel less human. Sometimes when I get really freaked out, I picture myself as the automaton Olimpia from Hoffmann's Der Sandmann. I just sit there watching as people discuss who made what parts of me. And I can't move. I can't do anything because I'm not real. Gah!
In any case, I've deleted many of those distracting apps and have been making attempts to be more present. Funny how my mind literally wandered away instantly after I typed that last sentence. I began thinking about tomorrow's counselling appointment. Yes, that's right, I'm finally getting called off the bench! My first official session is coming up, and while I know it'll be helpful, I'm feeling a bit nervous. I will report back soon and let you know how it goes. I'm sure I'll have lots to tell you about. Or maybe not.
I bet you were thinking I'd probably end things with some Guns N' Roses, right? Wrong. I'm sticking with my mood and The Church. Until next time...enjoy!
I'm finally doing it--pulling my insides out and splattering them around for all to see. Here we go!