I had a dream the other night that I was watching the NFL playoffs and the Steelers were playing (that's the first cruel joke). They were playing the Rams for some reason, and there were a bunch of other games on, too. I ended up being on the field chatting with some players and Deebo (James Harrison) was there. So was Big Ben, and we were discussing plays. I checked the score, and it was 60-30 for the Rams. As I type this, the Steelers are losing to the Bengals 41-3. Maybe that dream predicted the final score of this game. Naw, there's no way we're scoring 30 points.  I'm not watching because thankfully the game isn't televised, but I'm feeling it. This has been a season. For all of my teams. Remember a couple months ago when I said I had a good feeling about the Canucks? I just laughed out loud. This is the way things go sometimes. And, once again, I'm seeing sports as a barometer for my own life.

Things aren't really jiving and haven't been for some time, so I'm making an effort to switch things up by redirecting my focus back onto myself. That means stepping away more, spending more time alone (I'm almost always alone, but somehow it feels like it's not enough) and brainstorming about what my next step is. This also means not torturing myself by turning on games when I don't think I can handle the emotions that accompany them. Even the highs (when they actually occur) can be overwhelming and I'm just not feeling balanced enough to accept that ride, especially when the prospect of a crash seems all too real. Being depleted of energy is huge. It can lead to depression and illness and really fuck you up. This time of year can be very draining so I'm taking a page from my own book by slowing down, winding down and calming down. 

One thing that I like to incorporate into my routine that helps is...you guessed it...music. And I'm not just listening to stuff that pumps me up, though of course I'm bumping some Rush here and there, but I'm listening to the stuff that allows me to sink into my emotions a bit. Lots of Mazzy Star, Dinosaur Jr. and Bjork are currently in rotation, along with one of my all time favourites and OG crushes, Hayden. I thought of this song while doing yoga this morning. During a moment of surrender in a child's pose, in tears, I heard a small child's hysterical laughter coming from downstairs. It made me smile, then made me laugh, too. It reminded me that, yes, things feel pretty bad right now, but laughter and music are always available, even in the darkest of times. 

Now I will leave you with this picture of me with Hayden, who is likely annoyed that this fan asked for a picture. Actually, I'm pretty sure I felt uncomfortable asking so my friend asked for me. Even better. This was taken after seeing his show with the incredible Julie Doiron. Excellent show. I love how Hayden raised the age of the girl from 16 to 23 when he performed "Bad As They Seem." A good call.

Well, that's it for now, folks. I'm going to tap out and tune in to some ritual practices, have a bath and meditate, and watch this video, because I know it will make me smile. Hopefully it does the same for you.

Cheers! I just remembered the cheers I used to do when I was younger and drank a lot. Some of you will remember these. Cheers to beers and tears and cheers to booze and boobs. I dunno, you guys. Take what you need and leave the rest. And above all, take good care.

​K

Ah, the "old" filters. Jesus Christ, that's actually pretty scary. And I've seen a lot of horror movies. That reminds me, I kind of want to check out that Shyamalan movie OLD, mostly because there's a character named Mid-Sized Sedan, but I'm afraid that the rapid aging will send me into a panic. 

It seems like I've aged a lot over the past few years. Like it all happened at once. Maybe it didn't, though. Maybe I just started noticing. But there's a difference between noticing and caring, and I'm doing my best to not care. Because why bother worrying about something you can't control, right? And yet, if I'm being honest, it still scares me a little.

The alternative to aging is death, but then aging reminds us of death, doesn't it? Maybe that's the scary part. For some, perhaps, but I think it goes beyond that, especially for women.

The fact is that we love old men and we don't love old women. I mean, how many times have we heard people gush about how they would bone the hell out of Sean Connery when he was like 85? When was the last time you heard someone say the same about Julie Newmar? 

It's almost like women aren't allowed to get old. Like we're not worth talking about once we hit a certain age. I'm not sure what that age is exactly, but I'm quite sure the number's not that high. I think the idea of a woman getting old isn't appealing because her value is based on appearance. That's so sad because women are amazing. Also, I would still bone the hell out of Julie Newmar. Wanted to get that on record.

​Speaking of boning, the other day I watched The Witches of Eastwick, one of the horniest movies ever, and found myself very attracted to Jack Nicholson as Daryl Van Horne. I've been attracted to him in other roles, but never in this one...until now. I related to Cher's character, Alex, when she goes off about how repulsive he is, yet she finds herself drawn to him. This time, when he said "Use me, Alex. I can take it" it wasn't just funny, it was sexy. Between that and all the cock talk, I was super turned on by Daryl, even with the stupid ponytail. Even when he says things like "I always like a little pussy after lunch." Maybe it's the older man thing, but he was only about 50 in that role (not that much older than me). I'm catching up. That's got to be it. 

It makes sense. I think you reach a certain age where you don't typically find yourself as attracted to younger people. Well, I'm sure I don't speak for everyone, but that's how I feel. I can certainly appreciate that smooth twenty-something skin, especially when it's wearing a football uniform, but I pretty much think of them as kids, because looking back I know that's what I was at that age. Nothing wrong with it. I love people in their twenties, I just don't want to bone them anymore. 

Alright, let's drop the bone for a while because that's not why I'm writing this. I've just been thinking about how growing old seems to have negative connotations, when it's really not negative at all. We buy creams and serums that "diminish the appearance of fine lines and wrinkles" as though those things need to be banished. The funny thing is that none of that stuff magically makes you look younger. And that's fine. We have this obsession with looking young as though that's the standard. But we all get to be young. We've all experienced that, and some of you are still in it. And I'm not about to say something like, "enjoy it while you can," because I think you can enjoy every stage of life. Getting old doesn't have to be so serious. Sure, your body and mind begin to deteriorate and whatnot, but I'm not about to fall into the trap of allowing my stock to plummet with my tits.

I just thought of the lyrics to Outkast's "Growing Old."

Fat titties turn to teardrops as fat ass turns to flab
Sores that was open wounds eventually turn to scab
Trees bright and green turn yellow brown
Autumn called 'em, see all them leaves must fall down
Growing old

Love that song. 

Rather than ending with that one, which has a kind of sad energy, I'm going to share the title track, "ATLiens." The tone is exactly what I want to end on.

Now throw your hands in the ai-yer
And wave 'em like you just don't cay-er
And if you like fish and grits and all that pimp shit
Everybody let me hear you say O-Yea-yer.

That's the motto I choose to live by.​