you can't kill the boogeyman!

It's officially Halloweekend, folks! I bet most of you are putting the finishing touches on your costumes, maybe going to a party, carving pumpkins, watching horror movies and Stranger Things, and probably checking to see how many boxes of Halloween candy you need to replace (I know I've been on a Reese's/Wonka diet all month). As for me, there will be pumpkin carving and horror movies for sure, but I'm not feeling the party scene. I think it's partly due to the fact that I've been sick all month, and also because I've never really been into the party scene anyway. But last year I hosted a spooky gathering: A Nightmare On Kipling St. I dressed up as body bagged Tina Gray and it was a lot of fun. I met some great people that night, plus I didn't have to go anywhere.

The year before that was a different story. Two years ago today, I received an upsetting phone call--the most upsetting call I've ever received in my entire life, actually. A teenage girl I'm very close with called to tell me that her mother had died, that she had taken her own life. Because it's personal, I will not discuss the details of that call, but I could probably recite it word-for-word. I also won't discuss much else about the tragedy as I feel it's not really my story to tell, but I will say that it absolutely crushed me and the spirit of the season. I mean, I never expected to attend a funeral the day before Halloween.

By the time Halloween day arrived, I felt kind of numb. My Agent Scully costume stayed in the closet and my Mulder stayed at my side, as a Mulder should. I think we carved pumpkins at some point, but I honestly don't remember. I also don't recall any of the movies we watched or the decorations we put up. What I do recall is that feeling. Like I was in the upside down or something. Only it wasn't scary, it was just sad. Overwhelmingly sad. A kind of sadness I had never experienced before. I thought that nothing could make me smile. Luckily, I was wrong.

When the sun went down, the streets began to fill with children clumsily shuffling and clunking around in incredible costumes. I didn't think I would even be able to open the door and greet the kids with candy, but when Mulder answered the door and I heard "TRICK-OR-TREAT" something clicked. I wanted to see. I wanted to be there, and I'm so glad that I was. I can't tell you what they were dressed up as because I don't really remember,  I just remember that feeling. I don't even know how to describe it, but I wasn't in the upside down anymore. One thing stands out for me, and it still makes me smile. This kid who I think was dressed as a ninja waved at me when I answered the door, then took off his mask. It was a boy I knew and he was so excited to see me and show me who he was. He even yelled at his mother to come and say hi. It was good to see them. It was good to see all of them. My face hurt from smiling that night. I felt like myself again.

This is the first time I've shared anything about what happened two years ago, and I'm not entirely sure why that is, but something told me that this is the day to do so. I've been hearing a lot of people say that they're not in the Halloween spirit this year and I get it. Sometimes it just doesn't seem to happen. But I want you to know something. If you love this time of year, you always will. That spirit doesn't go anywhere, sometimes it just hides behind a creepy mask. Here's hoping the mask comes off so you can see who you really are. Remember, you can't kill the boogeyman.

Happy Halloween!