Tears, Stupid Tears
Fuck writing, I don't want to be a writer. It's stupid. It's a stupid waste of time. I feel ya, Gordie. That's pretty much how I feel about most things lately, and I'm just about ready to tell life to suck my fat one.
Shit's been thick. It seems like one thing after another and I'm having trouble convincing myself that things will turn around. I know a big part of that is depression. It's sucking the life out of me and I don't have the energy to not be sucked. Ewwwww.
But I'm trying. I'm trying to find reasons to be here, it just isn't easy. I keep crying. I've been crying a lot, and it's been hitting me hard at the most inconvenient times. At work, on the bus, at the grocery store. Ugh, my life sounds so boring. Honestly, I don't think this is the life I'm supposed to be living. I don't feel like I'm a real person sometimes. I'm certainly not myself.
But I'm trying. I'm trying to figure out who that person is and where she went. I swear sometimes I look in the mirror and I don't know who's staring back. I think I've said that before in a blog post or somewhere, which isn't exactly comforting. It's weird to think that at almost 40 years old I feel like I have no identity. I can't seem to figure things out for myself and haven't quite come into my own. What does that even mean, though? Sounds masturbatory.
Anyway, I've been spinning out. And I thought it might be ok because I was going to be seeing my counsellor, but due to a policy at the counselling office we won't be able to work together again. I was told I could go back on the wait list and see someone else so that's what I agreed to do, even though it may take 3 months. I considered contacting a therapist who works down the street from me, but it turns out she charges close to $200 an hour. I just can't.
But not all is lost. I received a text from my counsellor, saying that she is allowed to have one phone call with me. One phone call. I'm in prison. But I'm grateful. It will be nice to reconnect if only for a matter of minutes because she is very calming. Plus, she looks like a fairy. I think she might actually be one. So there's that. Also, she pointed out that she was impressed with my self-awareness during this time, and then offered a few suggestions. One of which was to ramp up my self-care by incorporating some fun distractions. I've actually been doing that quite a bit already.
Lately I've been getting high and watching tons of horror movies. Most have been re-watches, including It Chapter 1, which I don't hate as much as I first did. Also, I finally saw The Green Inferno. I can't believe I waited this long, but I'm so glad I did because it crossed my path at exactly the right time. I thoroughly enjoyed it. The practical effects are insanely cool and super inspiring. An awesome throwback to some classic 70's/80's Italian horror flicks like Cannibal Holocaust. It inspired me to dig out some Halloween makeup and get creating. I rediscovered one of my favourite pastimes--making zombie bites while watching old episodes of The Walking Dead. I don't necessarily even watch the show, I just have it on in the background. It's strangely soothing.
Speaking of strangely soothing...the Steelers started off the season with a bang, going 0-2. I know, you're probably thinking WHAT THE FUCK IS SHE TALKING ABOUT?! THEY LOST! HAS SHE LOST HER MIND? I mean, that's up for debate, but honestly after seeing the way the team responded when Big Ben went out, I kinda like our chances. We lost Sunday, which sucks, but we've got a pretty dynamic young quarterback in Mason Rudolph. Even though I was pretty emotional after that loss, I felt better seeing Rudolph in his post-game interview. He was excited and confident, and reminded me of Big Ben when he took over for Tommy Maddox back in the day and everything just came together. It was calming to hear Rudolph speak. I'm heartbroken for Roethlisberger because it looks like he's going to miss the whole season and who knows what that means going forward, but I'm also super excited for Rudolph having this opportunity to emerge as a new leader. Plus, I think we could all stand to look at that pretty face on game day.
This post hasn't been so pretty, in fact it's fairly mangled, but I guess the point of me sharing all this is to say that things don't always turn out the way you think they will. Take a look at how that zombie bite started off. Just some messy white stuff on my hand. Ewwwww. If you look close enough, though, you can find something you didn't see at first. One good thing. That's a little trick I learned from an old friend. He used to comfort me when things got tough by saying "one good thing." Sometimes it pissed me off to be honest, but if I really tried I could find it. Even if it was just a pretty flower or a cute squirrel. So maybe things are just fine even though it doesn't feel that way. Maybe Mason Rudolph will take the team to the playoffs, or even the Super Bowl, and maybe this new counsellor I see in a few months will end up being the Mason Rudolph to my Big Ben. And maybe all this crying will cure my dry eyes. Or maybe not. Who the fuck knows, right?
Things aren't actually as predictable as we often think.
Now I'm going to have a few puffs, make tea, eat Junior Mints and watch The Craft because I'm working on showing myself some love. And I will leave you with some Daniel Johnston. Sadly we lost him last week. RIP, Daniel, and thanks for the beautiful music.
I'm finally doing it--pulling my insides out and splattering them around for all to see. Here we go!