Jesus Christ, it's that time again, isn't it? Even Mary looks pissed off about it. Kidding. I happen to be pretty excited about the holidays coming up, mostly because I really need to step away and relax, but also because I have some projects I'm eager to spend time on. Oh, AND, thanks to my dear friend, I'm going on a little trip to Vancouver to check out the Christmas Market and see a Canucks game! I haven't been to a Canucks game in ages, and haven't been to Vancouver since the King Diamond concert in 2019. I love Vancouver and always enjoy my time there, and unlike many who hate taking the boat off the island, I happen to love the ferry! Even the little announcements over the PA make me happy. I just remembered the nausea-inducing boat ride back from King Diamond. That was something. I get seasick sometimes, but have never felt that sick on a BC Ferry until then. Didn't spew, though.
Earlier today, in an effort to ease my mind about some uncertainties, I decided to turn to another kind of fairy--my oracle cards. I don't spend time with them as often as I'd like to, but today was a day for slowing down as I threw my neck out while sneezing and couldn't go to work. I'd make a joke about aging, but I swear I did the same thing in my twenties. I think it has more to do with tension or stress in the body, paired with a lack of mindfulness. I was trying to be quiet. It was 6:30 in the morning and I didn't want to wake the house up, so I kinda tried to hold in the sneeze. Don't do that. That's my advice for the day. Actually, my real advice is to not fight against your body. My neck was like, NOPE, and I was like OK, I won't. So I didn't, and here I am. I need to stop rambling, though, to keep this short and prevent further strain.
Anyway, this is the card I pulled, and it's exactly the message I needed. It might be the message we all need. Not sure about you guys, but I've been struggling a lot lately, trying to walk that level path that everyone seems to be confidently strutting down and I continue to roll my ankles at every turn. I honestly believe that that's why I've got so much tension in my body and why I spend most of my days either bawling or choking back tears. This ain't it, sonny boy. And that's ok.
I used to think there was something wrong with me, and depending on your definition of wrong, maybe there is, but sometimes wrong just feels so right. I think that going against what feels right in favour of what seems acceptable is at the root of my suffering. There are other things at play, for sure, things I need to work on, and I'm working on it. But I don't think I'll make significant progress if I continue to steer myself away from that path less trodden. I love that word.
Right now, I'm not even sure I see a path, but I'm pretty sure I can hoe.
So as I sit here gearing up to watch Monday Night Football (dear God, the Steelers are playing. My neck is fucked), I find myself asking what I have to lose. A football game? Likely. But what do I have to lose in life by taking a risk? Everything? Nothing? I dunno. Probably something in between? I do know that not finding out is going to kill me, though. It's already killing me. So what now? Critics have been getting on Kenny Pickett's case about not throwing deep enough, and I totally get it. But I also get why he doesn't. Fear. You risk throwing it away or missing and looking like an idiot, or worse, getting picked off. And that's something I consider every day. What if it doesn't work out? What if it's a disaster? But I'm already feeling pretty disastrous doing things I don't love, so why not risk disaster doing something I do love, right?
But here's the thing...when you throw a Hail Mary, you must have a receiver. You can't do it all alone. This is me asking for help. Haha. I'm not great at this, but if anyone is able to offer assistance, either financially or with opportunities/collaborations, hit me up! I'm looking to step away from what is not serving me and walk towards what I enjoy. I'm working on a plan and seeking out resources and I'm getting ready to take a leap. It's not going to be easy, but not much ever is, so any help would be appreciated so very much. Sometimes even a kind word or intention is enough, and if that's all you've got to offer, I sincerely appreciate it, and thank you.
Now it's time for a motivating song, and time for a heating pad.
Thanks for stopping by! Oh, and feel free to email me at Heykennarae@gmail.com (also my PayPal) to get in touch.
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I'm finally doing it--pulling my insides out and splattering them around for all to see. Here we go!