The vagus nerve connects to multiple organs and has a direct impact on the parasympathetic nervous system, which helps put your body at ease. The Vegas nerve, however, is just a real pain in your ass. If you don't already know, a couple days ago the Canucks were eliminated by the Vegas Golden Knights in game seven. It was hard to watch because the Nucks were exhausted and ran out of gas. Both teams were tired from playing game 6 the night before, too. How the NHL committed to that schedule, I will never know. In any case, Vegas was the better team that night and deserved to win the game, but man the Canucks deserved better for the effort they put in during this post season run. It just feels like it was cut too short. One win away from making it to the Conference Finals. One. Win. Away. But maybe it was just their time to go? I just finished watching Final Destination, and it got me thinking about when your time is up. Death has been on my mind in a major way for a couple years now. It was almost exactly two years ago that I received the news of Ben's cancer diagnosis. That cancer claimed his life a year and a half ago. Woah. I can't believe it's been that long. While the pain of that loss is still very much with me, it's also very different. My feelings about death are also different. I don't just think about death a lot, I actually feel it. When I really think about my own mortality, I start to feel my organs tensing up then releasing, and I imagine them starting to shut down. This happened to me the other day. I was lying down in the backyard. It was a beautiful sunny day. I had a few puffs, put on some calming music and stared up at the sky. While watching the clouds drift by, I started thinking about my life and getting older and how my body isn't functioning the way it used to. My shoulders tensed up and my breath became shallow. Then I thought what if I just died right now? It kinda freaked me out at first, but then I began to relax into the idea. What if this is my last moment here? I closed my eyes and felt total peace and equanimity. This was well before game 7. Actually, I think it was a few hours before game 5, if I remember correctly. Whatever the case, it was a good place to be. I really enjoyed my time outside. I watched the birds and squirrels hop around the yard, and was quite OK with the bees buzzing around my face. I smiled a lot. I was also mega stoned. Back to Final Destination. I hadn't seen this movie in years and I really enjoyed it. Tony Todd (Candyman) plays a character named Bludworth, who also happens to be the grim reaper, and there's actually a character named Clear Rivers. I mean, come on! This movie still holds up and has some pretty creative death scenes. The franchise is known for them. Final Destination 3 is full of wicked ones, and is probably my favourite. That tanning bed double kill still fucks me up and makes me laugh. There are some great kills in the original, including the very bloody drawn out kitchen scene, but my favourite is Seann William Scott's decapitation. Also, I relate to his character so much when he desperately whines "Tell me I'm gonna see the Jets win the Super Bowl!" I guess that's how I feel about the Canucks. I mean, they've been around for 50 years and still no Cup. You start to wonder if you're ever going to see it. I've been lucky enough to see the Habs win twice, the Jays win twice and the Steelers win twice. Hell, I've even seen the Raptors win once. But there's certainly that ticking clock when it comes to the Canucks. On the plus side, I will say that this is one of the best teams we've ever had and one of the most fun teams to watch. I could see them being the group of guys who brings it home. I see it happening. Very soon. Until then, I will continue watching the Stanley Cup Playoffs, even though I don't have a horse in the race. I'm actually about to watch Vegas in game one of the Conference Finals against Dallas. I'll cheer for the Stars because fuck Vegas, even though I do like Lehner and Fleury and still have a soft spot for Pacioretty, but also because Jamie Benn is on the Stars, which means the Cup could end up in Victoria. Gotta get excited about something, right? Now I will leave you with "The Pina Colada Song" in hopes that we get to hear it many more times in the future, following big Canucks wins. Also, I happen to think this song is one of the most realistically romantic songs of all time. It's about a guy who is bored with his relationship, so he responds to a personal ad that's aimed at someone who's just like him. Someone who also likes pina coladas, getting caught in the rain, etc. When he shows up to meet this new love interest, it ends up being his girlfriend. She's also bored and looking for something else--someone who likes the same things she does. So it turns out, these two were the right match after all. They just never really got to know each other and didn't realize they had it all right in front of them. It's pretty funny. A beautiful, honest no bullshit love story. That's the kind I'm into. Until we meet again...
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I just spent a couple hours outside, reading David Reichert's account of hunting Gary Ridgway (The Green River Killer), and watching birds. A hummingbird buzzed so close to my face that I was tempted to reach out and touch it. But I doubt I would have gotten away with it. Speaking of not getting away with it, yesterday the Golden State Killer was sentenced. 26 life sentences for the motherfucker. I watched the whole thing while doing yoga. It's a little time I carve out for myself that I like to call "murder yoga." I watch true crime while doing my poses. It's a good challenge to remain focused while your blood is boiling. Lately I've been engaging with lots of true crime books and documentaries. I highly recommend reading Michelle McNamara's I'll Be Gone In The Dark and watching the documentary series (available on Crave) based on the book. Without McNamara's relentless pursuit, I doubt I would have had the pleasure of watching the Golden State Killer brought to justice from the comfort of my home, in a cobra or plank pose. Another recommendation I have for you guys is Trish Wood's documentary series Ted Bundy: Falling for a Killer (available on Prime). This one is astonishingly good. It's not your typical Ted Bundy doc that focuses on the same grisly details we all know from the cases. This story is woven from a woman's perspective and focuses primarily on the victims, which is actually pretty rare. Because the series is listed as "season 1" on Prime, I can only imagine that there is more to come, which gets me very excited. Wanna know what else gets me excited? That's right! After a five year playoff drought, the Canucks are back in a big, big way. They knocked off the Minnesota Wild in the qualifying round and just last night, defeated the Stanley Cup champion St. Louis Blues, advancing to the second round! This is the first series win since 2011 (sigh) so it means a lot to Canucks fans like me. This is the stuff I live for, and I'm planning on celebrating every victory to the fullest. Given the current climate of things, I think that's what we should all be doing, no matter how big or how small the victory. The Canucks are facing off against the Vegas Golden Knights tomorrow to kick off round two, and it's sure to be a doozy. I'm hoping they keep this momentum rolling so I can nickname them the Golden Knight Killers. Whatever the case, I am grateful to see them live to fight another day, and look forward to more exciting hockey. For me, sports restores a sense of normalcy and purpose. Without sports, I feel pretty out of balance, which is one reason why summer is my least favourite season. Having hockey in August has been a blessing. Having said that, the reason we even have hockey right now is because the world is plagued and everything is crumbling. But what can we do while things fall apart? Keep doing the things we love. Maybe for you that doesn't mean watching hockey and doing murder yoga, but find whatever it is that makes you tick and just keep doing it. Lately I've been feeling more alive than ever. That's not always a good thing, but it's a thing. What I mean is, that I'm noticing more. I'm feeling more, and that can sometimes be quite painful. But I'm here for it. I'm reading about death and pondering my own mortality, and it's got me thinking about what I'm spending my time doing and what I ought to be spending my time doing. It's also got me feeling pretty lucky. Currently, death seems ever-present. It's a scary time, full of anxiety and uncertainty. But there was never any certainty to begin with, aside from the fact that we're all going to die. Maybe that's where I'll make my exit. I will leave you with one of my favourite songs that instantly takes me right back to a simpler time. A time when I would watch this video and stare at Kevin Haskins with dreamy eyes and wonder how many drummers I would date as an adult. I'll keep that number to myself. Thanks for stopping by, dear friends. Now, enjoy this tune and go do something (or someone) you love. And GO CANUCKS GO!
Hello again.
I hope you guys are doing well amidst the madness. Lately, I've been needing to hunker down and take cover. I don't know about you, but when I'm feeling this way I turn to the same thing for comfort—music. But it wasn't always that way. Recently, I got to talking with a friend and discovered that we both stopped listening to music during a traumatic time. We unintentionally robbed ourselves of the one thing we found soothing. Why? I'm not sure. Maybe our minds were trying to protect us from those painful emotions? I don't know. Whatever the case, I'm glad we had that conversation before some shit hit the fan. Remember in that last post when I said that I was learning to appreciate the shitty stuff because it's giving me opportunities for growth? Well, I just keep on growing! The day after that post, which happened to be my birthday, I discovered that something wasn't what I thought. I discovered, with the help of some friends, that someone was being deceitful. And it hurt. It was something that I had to sit with and sort out, but even though I was alone, I had good company. Music saved me from dipping down into a very low place. Music and George Stroumboulopoulos. Strombo chatting and playing music on his Instagram Live videos comforted me. Plus, he retweeted something silly I posted and has replied to my Instagram stories. He's a sweetheart, and he probably doesn't realize how much he's lifted me up. Canada's boyfriend saved the day. I appreciate him so very much, and I'm glad he's around doing his thing, making the world a better place. The other night, after listening to Strombo, I got cozy in blankets and started listening to The Carpenters. I got to thinking about the incredible tribute album If I Were a Carpenter, which made me binge cover songs. I thought it might be fun to share some of my favourites with you. I picked ten, just to have a nice round number, and they're in no particular order. I hope you enjoy. I linked the Spotify playlist below for you to check out. You'll have to open up your Spotify to hear the whole songs. Feel free to comment below with some of your favourite covers. I'd love to hear 'em.
"Superstar"
Look at those beautiful faces! Also, don't Thurston Moore and Richard Carpenter look alike? Sonic Youth and The Carpenters are two of my all-time favourite bands, so it's no wonder this one made the cut. Honestly, though, If I Were a Carpenter is full of gems. I highly recommend you give that album a listen. Shonen Knife's cover of "Top of the World" blows the original out of the water. I don't even like that Carpenter's song. Props to Shonen Knife for being so badass. Back to Sonic Youth, the reason I think "Superstar" is an incredible cover is because it actually sounds like an original Sonic Youth song. I love covers that take on a new life. And as much as I adore Kim Gordon, there's something cool about Thurston Moore doing the vocals. Just changes the whole tone completely. Love, love, love this one. "Always on my Mind" One of my favourite Elvis songs of all time. So touching. I happen to adore two other versions of this song, but rather than going with my love, Willie Nelson, I went with The Pet Shop Boys. Their cover is just so unconventional, and it makes me want to dance. Aside from eating and sleeping, dancing is probably the thing I do most. Just ask my neighbours. Anyway, I think this is an awesome cover. The dance music doesn't detract from the sincerity whatsoever. Equally beautiful. Brilliant cover. "Dead Souls" I'm almost positive that I heard the Nine Inch Nails version first, on the soundtrack to one of my favourite movies, The Crow, but man do I love Joy Division and this song. I must say that I do prefer the cover. It's heavier, and immediately transports me into that dark, scary Gotham-esque world of The Crow. Plus, Trent Reznor. "Song To the Siren" Man, are these two incredible. Both of these songs have helped me get though some difficult shit. There is no way I can pick between the two. They're so different and so beautiful. Tim Buckley wrote and performed the original, which makes be sob, and This Mortal Coil's cover instantly takes me into the mind of David Lynch and reminds me of one of my favourite scenes from one of my favourite films, Lost Highway. It's fairly common to have cover songs in film, and there are actually more on my list. Movies and music—my true loves. Also, This Mortal Coil's It'll End in Tears is one of my favourite albums. If you haven't heard it, I highly recommend. "Hallelujah" It only makes sense to go from one Buckley to another. Some consider this to be the greatest cover of all time, and I understand why. Like his dad, Jeff Buckley had a breathtakingly beautiful voice and wrote some of the best songs ever. I still remember the day I found out he died. I was watching Much Music, and Sook-Yin Lee made the announcement. It destroyed me. What a tragedy. Such an incredible talent. As for "Hallelujah," I actually prefer Leonard Cohen's original. That man is everything to me. He once wrote me a note in a book to motivate me to keep writing, and apologized when he couldn't make it to my writing class. We never even expected him to respond to our invitation. What a lovely man. Even though I prefer the original, my God, what a powerful cover. Gives me chills.
"Easy"
Commodores and Faith No More are right up there with The Carpenters and Sonic Youth. I love them so very much. "Easy" is one of my favourite Commodores songs and one of my favourite Faith No More songs. What a fucking glorious cover. It's not incredibly different from the original, but it's got that FNM/ Mike Patton attitude all over it and I adore it. The video is everything, too. I remember recording it several times on VHS so I wouldn't have to rewind to watch it again. Man, what I wouldn't give to have Faith No More cover "Lady (You Bring Me Up)." "Diamonds and Rust" Joan Baez and Rob Halford have two of the most powerful voices I've ever heard. You can always feel their pain in their songs. The lyrics to this one have always resonated with me. I think Judas Priest's cover is a masterpiece. So hard, yet just as heartbreaking as the original. God, I love both versions so much and wouldn't want to choose between the two, though I will say that I'm a bigger Priest fan. Plus, Sin After Sin is a perfect album. I kind of want to throw that on now, actually. Here come the tears... "Sweet Jane" Here are two absolute gems for ya. The Velvet Underground's "Sweet Jane" makes me move like nobody's business. What a fun song to dance to. It instantly makes everything better. Cowboy Junkies' cover couldn't be more different. And that's part of why I love it so much. That, and Margo Timmins' haunting voice. The Trinity Session is such a wonderful album. One of my favourite moody albums for a winter's walk. This cover is everything. Simply perfect. Plus, I can't help but hear "The whole world's comin' to an end, Mal" "I see angels, Mickey. They're coming down for us from heaven" when the song starts. Yep, another great song from another great film. Natural Born Killers was such a huge Influence—the movie and the soundtrack. What a soundtrack! God bless Trent Reznor. "Fade Into You" Mazzy Star is the holy grail of music. My friend Jason once said that, and I believe it to be true. Though they have many incredible songs that I prefer to this beauty, "Fade Into You" is wonderful and without question their biggest hit. Hope Sandoval has the voice of an angel, and so does J Mascis. When I die, be sure to play lots of Mazzy Star and Dinosaur Jr. at my wake. That's why I had to include this one on my list. J Mascis' cover of "Fade Into You" is equally breathtaking as the original. I could listen to both versions on repeat for hours. Sadly, we lost David Roback, founding member of Mazzy Star, this year because apparently this is the worst year ever. RIP, David. "Nothing Compares 2 U" I had to save the best for last. Sinead pulled an Aretha Franklin on Prince! I'm referring to Aretha's cover of Otis Redding's "Respect". Even Otis said that the song belongs to her. The reason I didn't include that one on this list is because I'm actually not a fan of the song. Don't hate me. Otis is probably my favourite singer of all time, and I appreciate what Aretha did with it, but it's not a favourite. Now back to what I consider to be the greatest cover of all time. Sinead O'Connor fucking killed this song. I love Prince's original, which I'm sure I heard after Sinead's, but man can you feel that pain in her cover. Maybe it's because it's been 7 hours and 15 days since her love was taken away, compared to 7 hours and 13 days for Prince. If so, those extra two days really fucked her up. In any case, that woman takes my breath away. That video? Good God, what a stunning woman. We all wish we could cry like her. And her voice destroys me. What an icon. Alright, that wraps it up, folks. Thanks for stopping by. I will now leave you with my playlist of all of these wonderful covers, and one of my favourite videos ever. Take care, y'all. Until we meet again... Guess who's back? Still puffing my leafs Still fuck with the beats Still not loving police After all these years, I still think that this picture is the perfect representation of who I am. Kind of a dude. Animal lover. Scared as hell. Not sure how old I am in this picture, but I'm 39 years old now. For another 7 hours, at least. Not exactly sure how I feel about turning 40, but the first word that comes to mind is lucky. The first 40 years were...interesting. And now I'm curious to see how the next 40 (if I'm extremely lucky) play out. The past few years have felt like a bit of a nightmare. I actually began to wonder if I'd been cursed, but I refuse to give that idea too much power because it really doesn't matter whether it's true or not. I can still do my thang. Plus, I'm actually starting to appreciate the shitty stuff, because it's giving me opportunities to grow. Jesus, who am I? Still the same ol G, but I'm learning. I'm learning to be okay with where I am and what I've got, because it's not going to be there forever. Everything is fleeting. God, what I wouldn't give to be able to go back 10, 15, 20 years and whisper in my ear you're beautiful. Because holy shit was I ever. But I didn't know. At a time when I should have been feeling my oats, I was too busy feeling everyone else's. Ewwww. But you can't go back, right. So what now? Start where you are, I guess. Currently I'm sitting here listening to Dr. Dre, and it's got me thinking about second chapters and his second album, which I consider to be the greatest comeback album of all time. 2001 or The Chronic 2001 (still the worst title) is pretty close to a perfect album. Seven years prior, Dre released The Chronic--perfection on every level. I'm hard pressed to think of anything better. Absolutely genius. So how do you come back after that? You hit em hard. You hit em with those legendary Dre beats. You tell your stories. You do your thang. You bring your friends, and you bring Tommy Chong. Every single song on 2001 is fucking solid, and the whole album is such a big fuck you to the haters, the industry and the world, which in my opinion is part of what makes a great comeback album. And honestly, I think some of the best Dre beats are on that second album. Don't lie and say that you don't get amped when "The Next Episode" comes on or that you don't shake dat ass to "Still D.R.E." I'm no fool. Ass shaking aside, I will say that another thing I love about 2001 is Dre's vulnerability. It's a hard album, make no mistake, but it ends on a soft sincere note. "The Message" is about Dre losing his brother Tyree, and man if those lyrics don't gut me. Dre says that if G's don't cry then he "ain't no gangsta." That's vulnerability for you, coming from such an OG. This album has heart, and I love the hell out of it. Every beat, every Snoop verse, every BEOTCH! As the hours tick by and I near the big 4-0 I can't help but wonder if this next chapter will be my Chronic 2001. Sure, I never really had a Chronic to begin with, but that's beside the point. What if I just give the world a big fuck you and focus more on just having fun and doing my thang. Keep telling my stories, bring some friends, and maybe even bring Tommy Chong. I just remembered that I met him by accident once at a book signing. That was weird. He said "Hey, man." and I said "Hey Tommy." And that's all she wrote. Now I will leave you with a song and a smile, as I often do. Unfortunately it's the censored version, but I had to share the video anyway as it captures the whole vibe of Dre, Chronic 2001 and that whole era. Take care of you, dear friends. Hope to see around for the next 40!
I guess I just wasn't made for these times
Hey guys, it's been a while. I've been meaning to be better about keeping up with this blog but, hey, shit happens. I had a couple things written in March, but sharing my thoughts on movies and books just didn't feel right, because at that point none of it mattered anyway. I was in the process of watching my beloved Beans slip away, and it was really hard. On April 19th I said "Bye, Beans, Mummy loves you so much" and I never saw her again. I wrote a lengthy post about that day and the days leading up to it, but I deleted it. I needed to write it for me, but it's something I don't want to share. Instead, I'm going to share something about my favourite animal of all time, and my favourite album of all time and why, for me, they will always be connected.
God only knows what I'd be without you
I don't remember a time in my life when I didn't listen to The Beach Boys. Their music takes me to a good place. A place I often want to escape to. My love affair with the Boys started when I was a wee one, probably with the album Surfer Girl. The title track and "In My Room" are two of my favourite songs. They just make my problems melt away. That's what The Beach Boys have always done for me. Beans was like that, too, so it's no wonder that the two would often accompany me during the toughest of times.
I had this poster in my room when I was young. Not exactly a kids movie, but I respect my parents' choices. If you were alive and kicking in 1988, you're probably already thinking of another Beach Boys song. "Kokomo" is hated by so many, which makes me laugh, because I love it so much. I think a lot of the hate comes from that episode of Full House (you know the one). For me, it's such a dreamy song. The whole vibe of it takes me back to a simpler time. Summertime at the lake...ballet classes, followed by a trip to Sportsland to get hockey cards. I could listen to that song all day. And it was so perfect for the movie Cocktail. I think it should have won an Oscar, or at least have been nominated. But what do I know.
Close your eyes and be still
Fast forward about seven years or so, to the first time I heard Pet Sounds in its entirety. I already knew a few songs, but never had I listened to this masterpiece start to finish. I was in no way prepared. I cried. A lot. Yes, I was an emotional teenager, but I was caught off guard. This was not Surfer Girl. This was so much more. It was musically and lyrically on another level. And it was relatable. Brian Wilson singing "don't talk, put your head on my shoulder...don't talk, take my hand, and listen to my heart beat. Listen, listen, listen" still turns me into a baby every time. It just made me think of when we first adopted Beans. Holding her in my arms at the vet's office, her head on my shoulder. Me saying, "mama's here." I still say that to her picture.
I wish that every kiss was never ending
Beans was so different from any other animal I've known. So much more complex and layered and beautiful. If she were an album, she would be Pet Sounds. It's been almost a week since the album's anniversary and over a month since I lost Beans. I think of her constantly, and miss her more than I could ever say, but I am so grateful for this week of listening to my favourite album and thinking about her. It's like there's a whole new meaning now. When I was younger, I would lie in bed listening to Pet Sounds, thinking about stupid boys, but now I will think of her. The most wonderful cat and the best little friend I've ever known. Now I will leave you with Pet Sounds (obviously) and a cool video of one of the recordings of "Don't Talk" so you can swoon over Brian Wilson's beautiful voice. And also, I'll share a couple more pictures of the most beautiful girl in the world. Give your pets some extra love today. Hold them close. Make the hugs and kisses last a little longer (but not in a gross way). Take care, y'all. And remember... Love is here today, and it's gone tomorrow. It's here and gone so fast. I've come to talk with you again. Things are getting moldy around here. It seems crazy to me that my last post was right before Halloween and now it's a new year. Well, maybe it's not that crazy. I do that sometimes. In any case, I'm back at it and feeling motivated to keep things rolling, but I sure didn't feel that way for the past couple months. November was rough, y'all. I think it's typically a difficult time as things get gloomy and cold, back pain and sinus infections return and I just tend to feel yucky. Depression had a pretty good hold on me for the majority of the month, and I also learned that my dad has cancer again. So I was feeling pretty low and was pretty much high the whole month just to get through but, hey, I got through. Plus, there were some gems in there. At the end of November, I made the trek to Vancouver to see King Diamond! I still can't believe that night was real. It was easily one of the greatest concert experiences I've ever had. The show was absolutely incredible and the King was at the top of his game. I had a wonderful time on the journey to Vancouver with my good friend Michael and catching up with my pal, Rory, who lives over there. The three of us had a blast at the hotel, in restaurants and bars, at the concert and wandering around the big city the next day. We even hit up Vancouver's Christmas Market, which was super fun and whimsical as all hell. It was an exciting time, made even more so when Rory mentioned that one of his stories was recently featured on the podcast Nocturnal Transmissions! Here's a link so you guys can check it out--it's a fantastic story. Heaven Unearthed by Rory Say. Also, I may have mentioned this before, but Michael is a super talented musician. You guys should check out his music. Paths and Teeth of the Wolf are both incredible. I've got some talented, creative, brilliant friends and I'm gong to make a point of sharing their projects more often. That means YOUR projects. Keep sharing your shit with the world, people. I'm more than happy to pass it on so others can be inspired and enjoy. Last month was a December to dismember, but I did my best to be grounded and avoid spinning out. I think it worked part of the time, but I can't remember because I was too high for most of it. One thing that lifted me up was a phone call I had with my former therapist. She coached me through some difficult things and asked me to slow down and go easy on myself. I've been really hard on myself this year, during a time when I needed care and compassion more than ever. I never set out to be like that, but it tends to happen when I find myself out of balance. During our conversation, she reminded me of the importance of being still. That's something I struggle with and I'm determined to work on giving in to a period of rest. I have a tendency, as many do, to turn away when things get tough or scary and find ways to busy myself. People often act like being busy is great and even something to brag about, but it can be fairly detrimental to your health, especially when grieving. 2018/2019 presented me with some of the biggest challenges I've ever experienced, including the greatest sorrow I've ever felt with the death of a dear friend. I don't think I've even begun to process what happened, honestly, and I'm suffering as a result. I still find myself checking his social media accounts as though I expect to see something new, and I continue to scroll through old text messages that I can't bring myself to delete. A couple weeks ago I had a dream that Ben was still alive, but not in a good way. I thought he was dead but everyone else knew he wasn't. He'd been in the hospital this whole time, dying. For almost a fucking year! Because I didn't know, I hadn't been up to visit him and was warned that he had been getting worse with each passing day. I was scared to see him, though I knew I should probably visit. In reality, I know that feeling. I had a lot of anxiety each time I went up to the hospital and while visiting him at home, and often times I was even scared to see him. I never knew what he was going to be like or look like, and I was afraid that he would detect that fear and feel even worse than he already did. Sometimes I would feel so overwhelmed that I couldn't bring myself to visit at all. So I guess there's a lot of guilt there. Guilt, shame and regret. There's a lot I need to unpack and I've been avoiding that for some time. As the anniversary of Ben's death approaches, I find myself in disbelief. I can't believe he's not here, because I feel his presence constantly. Every walk through the neighbourhood, I still wonder if I'll run into him and hear his friendly hellOOOOOO! Recently while shopping, Gowan's "Strange Animal" started playing in the store. I immediately thought of Ben because he and I shared a weird obsession with Gowan. One night after a few drinks, we binged Gowan videos and sang along, and it was so much fun. I laughed so hard that night that I was in tears. I miss him. I want so badly to accept what happened and move forward, but I feel stuck. I guess I expected to feel differently at this point. There's just no way to know how you're going to feel. I suppose all I can do is work on being kind and allow myself to sit with those uncomfortable feelings, even when I really don't want to. I guess that means cutting back on the green, hey? I've been wanting to anyway, since it's pretty much killing my motivation and fucking with my mood as of late. What better opportunity to turn things around than the start of a new year, right? I typically hate all that shit about resolutions and whatnot, but I think it's good to consider the changes you want to make in order to bring peace and joy into your life, no matter what time of year. For me, I want to work on accepting what is and allow sorrow to be sorrow, but I also want to find ways to bring more light in during these dark times. Another thing I want to work on is cultivating the practice of simply being alive, without adding anything extra into the mix. For a while, at least. It's what my therapist recommended and I know it's what I need. In time I will find ways to access my pain and allow space to grieve so I can eventually move forward and focus on creating the life I want. One step at a time, though. Speaking of steps, on December 31st, during a storm, I decided to go for a long walk. I don't do that often in crazy weather unless necessary, but it felt necessary. I hadn't left the house at all for the previous two days (which was awesome, btw) and it felt great to get some fresh air and exercise even though I was soaked to the bone. It was good to get out there on the last day of the year and conquer something, no matter how small. Plus, I came across some wonder along the way. I watched some ducks play in a pond, was greeted by a family of deer, and discovered these two party animals living it up in celebration of a new year. Cheers, friends! Thanks for taking the time to read this. I hope that you're able to find peace and contentment this year. Until next time, I leave you with the one and only Gowan, and I will reflect on the wonderful strange animal I knew called Ben. Wherever you are, buddy, this video's for you! Good god, what a beautiful man. "I'll split you from your groin to your gullet." Please do! Welcome back, folks! Picking up where I left off, here's what I've watched in the second half of October: October 16- Candyman (1992) Yes, I'm including a second GIF. It's Tony Todd, how could I not?! Like I said before, there is no greater mind than that of Clive Barker, and Candyman might just be his magnum opus. Well, it's really Bernard Rose's as he wrote the screenplay and directed it, but it's based on Barker's short story "The Forbidden" and that's good enough for me. Coincidentally, October 16th was the 25th anniversary of the film. Set in Cabrini-Green, a housing project in Chicago, Candyman features real gang members and real bees, and a really great cast. This movie is a masterpiece and easily one of my favourite films of the 90's. Bernard Rose perfectly captures the exquisite pain of this story that's sure to be burned on your brain for a very long time. And speaking of exquisite pain... October 17- Hellraiser (1987) I actually revisited this classic not long ago, in late spring or early summer, but that Hellraiser documentary made me want to do it all over again. And what other film deserves to follow Candyman? I'm not going to discuss this film at any length, but it was a game changer that still holds up well. One of my personal favourites that I highly recommend, obviously. October 17- Hellbound: Hellraiser II (1988) Hellbound is the Godfather Part II of horror sequels. It truly is just as good as the first, and many fans actually prefer it. I, for one, do not but I certainly enjoy it equally. Kirsty's back in this installment and unfortunately for her, so are Julia and the cenobites. We are also introduced to a new character, Tiffany, who adds an interesting element to the story. There's something fresh and exciting about about this sequel that is just as stunning, clever and disturbing as the original. October 18- Creepshow The Series (2019, episode 4) The Companion/ Lydia Layne's Better Half This might be the strongest episode yet, with both segments offering up some good old fashioned scares and some great performances. I was especially excited to see Canadian actress Trisha Helfer (Battlestar Gallactica, Walk All Over Me). She's such a badass. This one gave me some serious 80's vibes and was tons of fun. October 18- Paperhouse (1989) Another Bernard Rose film, and much like Candyman this one is super unique and disturbing. I cannot believe that I haven't seen this until now. If I watched it as a child when it debuted, it probably would have been my favourite movie. It's super dark and haunting and the young actors do an amazing job. I wouldn't skip this over if I were you. It's not a good time gore fest or anything like that, and likely not lively enough for a gathering on Halloween night, but it might be perfect for a cold November's evening, cozied up with tea and a blanket. October 19- Thirst (1979) When a synopsis reads, "The descendant of Elizabeth Bathory is abducted by a cult..." you think you're going to be for a wild ride, but this isn't even like bumper cars. With the exception of a few cool scenes, and the fact that the protagonist looks a lot like my counsellor who I adore, it was pretty much a snooze fest and certainly one I won't be recommending. October 20- Halloween: Feast of the Dying Sun (2005) An enjoyable documentary that centers on the origins of Halloween and associated pagan folklore. This would be a good choice for something playing in the background on Halloween day, while putting the finishing touches on decorating and carving. I especially loved the parts about mischievous fairy debauchery. My mind wandered right away to True Blood and I now realize that their writers incorporated many elements of traditional folklore into their story. October 20- Body Bags (1993) This anthology got off to a great start. The first segment, "The Gas Station" was my favourite of the three, which isn't exactly so good because it meant that the rest of the film was a step down. Two steps down. The middle segment is the weakest, the third is pretty good, but just a little too mean-spirited for me, at least for Halloween. October 21- The Blackcoat's Daughter (2015) This movie scared the pants off of me. I didn't really know anything about it going in, other than the fact that many people seemed to like it. Now I know why. I highly recommend going in blind like I did. October 22- The Little Rascals Scary Spooktacular! (1938) Such a cute little film! Four mini films in one, actually, and super fun for the whole family. I recommend checking it out if you haven't seen it. October 23- Scream (1996) I hadn't seen this in ages, yet I can still pretty much recite it word-for-word. This movie is so much fun, and that opening scene is iconic. I will never tire of the horror movie references, especially the Elm Street ones. Scream would make a fantastic Halloween party movie. The pacing is perfect and the mix of camp, dark humour and scares is just right. Also, the movie Halloween (1978) plays in the background, so you can't go wrong. October 24- Creepshow The Series (2019, episode 5) Night of the Paw/Times is Tough in Musky Holler This episode was my least favourite so far. The first segment had promise and some cool spooky scenes, but it just fell flat for me. Same goes for the second, actually. The effects were super cool and the concept was fun, but ultimately it just didn't work. While I do enjoy the comic book panels and illustrations in the Creepshow series, this segment had way too much exposition with the voiceover. It was kind of annoying. Too bad because it got off to a great start. October 25- Night of 1000 Cats (1972) I actually didn't watch this movie. I turned it off early on, after a disturbing scene involving animal abuse. I then came across an article about cats being tortured and dying during the filming. Don't watch this movie. I thought it might be fun and campy, but it's just dumb and gross. I hope Amazon Prime removes it from their catalog. October 25- Haunt (2019) This would be a fun movie to throw on with a group of friends before heading out to a haunted house. It didn't exactly blow me away but it was entertaining. There were some good haunts in there too, one in particular, that was simple yet chilling and I hope to encounter something similar in a future haunted house. October 26- The Old Dark House (1932) I threw this on as a background movie while I made treat bags, but it's really cool. For something I was sort of half paying attention to, I must say that it was super entertaining. Plus, it features Boris Karloff in his first starring role. October 26- The Thing (1982) Such a classic. You really can't go wrong with this one, although I tend to throw it on during the winter more than Fall. The practical effects in this movie give me life. It's absolutely a game changer, and also the first movie I watched (when I was probably too young) that made me afraid to fall asleep. That's what makes it a great Halloween watch. If you're not at least a little creeped out when you're nuzzled in your bed, is it really Halloween at all? October 27- Trick 'r Treat (2007) I watched this with the commentary on, while I did other festive things like tending to costume details and carving a pumpkin. I also watched the special features, which are super cool. I highly recommend you do the same, especially if you've seen this movie pretty much every year since it came out like me. It's always fun learning about behind the scenes stuff in movies. I actually met Mark Freeborn, the production designer for Trick 'r Treat once. He lives on a nearby island and I wound up at his garage sale totally by accident. He and his wife are lovely people who both work in the industry. I'm sure many of you would be familiar with their work on The X-Files, Bates Motel and Breaking Bad. I picked up a few things at that garage sale, including a scratching post for my cat Beans that Mark made himself. October 28- The Lost Boys (1987) I can't think of any October in recent memory when I didn't watch this movie. An all-time favourite, and one of the best vampire films ever made. I love the cast, I love the characters and the setting is pure magic. October 29-Phantasm (1979) Let the Tall Man into your heart this holiday season. I'm sure glad I did. I frickin' love this movie, and I hadn't seen it for many years so it was extra fun to revisit. I recently found out that the film was supposed to be over 3 hours in length, but was trimmed back to a cool 89 minutes. That's crazy! I wish I could see the rest of the footage, but apparently most of it is lost. October 30- It's the Great Pumpkin, Charlie Brown (1966) The most sincere Halloween film. Sometimes you just feel like switching gears. Also, it occurred to me that I hadn't watched it yet this year. Plus I was tired and wanted to watch something short so I could just make tea, light candles, burn incense, relax and enjoy the final evening before Halloween. October 31st- My plans for the big day are to carve my last pumpkin while watching Halloween (1978), roast more pumpkin seeds, put the finishing touches on decorating and costume details, watch Halloween III Season of the Witch (1982 ) and hand out candy. After that I'll be checking out the new episode of Creepshow, which I'm really excited about because it's directed by Tom Savini! I can almost guarantee that there will be another horror movie thrown in there during the day and/or night, but I'm going to let that be a game-time decision. As for what I recommend...I mean, whatever floats your boat, but I feel it's always essential to watch something from the Halloween franchise on Halloween day. I also highly recommend watching Trick 'r Treat if you haven't already. Anything that takes place on or around Halloween is always a good idea too, such as E.T. which is great fun for the whole family. Of course there are so many other options, and I look forward to hearing what everyone picked. Halloween is a special time. For me, what makes it extra special is that, unlike Christmas where it's traditionally about spending time with family, Halloween is about spending time with strangers. You open your door to people you presumably don't know, give children treats, say hi to their parents, chat about costumes and share in the festive spirit of the season. For someone like me who has social anxiety, that really means a lot. Being able to talk to strangers and share laughs while wearing a spooky costume somehow puts me in my happy place. Here's wishing that, whatever it is you choose to do on Halloween night, you find yourself in your happy place. Be safe, be scary, and remember to keep your pets inside. For those of you who decided to be my victim by reading these two posts, I thank you very much. Now I will leave you with some festive music from King Diamond. I still can't believe that I'll be seeing him live in Vancouver next month. I'll be sure to tell you guys all about it. Now go forth and be creepy, and have a spooktacular Halloween! It's a waste of good suffering. Hey guys, I'm having a good day! Actually, it's been a good week. This hasn't happened for a very long time, and for that reason I am determined to celebrate to the fullest. I won't be partying or anything like that, but rather taking the time to appreciate where I'm at and be grateful. I know it won't last forever, and maybe won't even last another week, so I am going to sink into this moment and enjoy. As we're now in the thick of Fall, my love of horror and all things spooky has kicked into overdrive. I don't usually commit to watching something scary or Halloween themed every single day in October, but this year I decided to. I also thought that I would take advantage of a month-long free trial with Shudder. There's a lot of good shit on there, people, and I'm going to have a hard time resisting a continued subscription when this month is over. I've been watching tons of movies, TV shows and specials on Shudder, as well as watching films from my own collection. In the spirit of the season, I thought I would share what I've seen during the first half of October. Here's what I've watched so far and what I think. October 1- Critters: A New Binge (2019, episodes 1-4) October 2- Critters: A New Binge (2019, episodes 5-8) I don't know what you guys think, but to me this series is worth a watch. As a kid, I loved Critters so there's an element of nostalgia there, but this is a straight up gory good time. If you're looking for something silly and gross that you don't have to put too much thought into, I highly recommend it. Plus, at roughly 9 minutes per episode, you're not investing much of your time. I say go for it! October 3- Tourist Trap (1979) This is a old time favourite, and one that I tend to watch in the summer more than Fall, but I was sick and needed a comfort film. Those of you who know of my fascination with mannequins will not find this surprising in the least. I also have an affinity for roadside attractions in small towns, but this little gem might make you think twice about pulling over for a gander. October 3- Re-Animator (1985) Based on the Lovecraft tale, this movie is an absolute classic and hits all the marks for me. Weirdness? Check! Gore? Check! Engaging story? Check! Incredible acting? Check! I can't really say enough good things about it, and will continue to recommend it to anyone, especially at this time of year. October 3- Stagefright or Deliria (1987) Shout out to Sarah Jane on Twitter for recommending this beauty. I'm such a sucker for stories that take place predominantly in one location, and the theatre is the perfect backdrop for the bloody terror in this tale. This film is stunning. Literally, I was stunned at how good it was, start to finish. Admittedly, I'm not as well versed in Italian cinema as many of you may be but I'm making a point to watch more, and movies like this are certainly encouraging me to do so. Put this on your list immediately. October 4- Eli Roth's History of Horror (2018, episodes 1-4) Episode 1: Zombies Episode 2: Slashers pt 1 Episode 2: Slashers pt 2 Episode 4: The Demon Inside I will watch Eli Roth in anything because he's a babe, but also because he is the biggest horror nerd and I love seeing him get excited about the genre. He's so knowledgeable and entertaining; you couldn't pick a better host. I'm sure crybabies out there are reading this, sniveling "But, but, what about..." save it. He's the best. I won't go into detail about each episode because this post is going to be long enough as it is, but every single one is worth checking out. Tons of wicked guests, cool stories and so much insight. I can almost bet you will learn something new, maybe even about yourself. I learned why women gravitate toward slasher films and it really resonated with me. This show is awesome and the episodes fly by. Check it out! October 4- Creepshow The Series (2019, episodes 1 and 2) Episode 1: Gray Matter/The House of the Head Episode 2: Bad Wolf Down/The Finger Not surprisingly, I've been enjoying the hell out of this series. It's very similar in style to the films, with each segment offering a fun throwback as well as something new. Super cool for the OGs and newer horror fans alike. Each vignette from the first two episodes is solid, with my favourite being The House of the Head. Crooked and creepy. Right up my alley. October 4- Splatter University (1984) No. Not for me, and I wouldn't recommend it to you either. It's boring as hell. Next! October 5- Eli Roth's History of Horror (2018, episodes 5-7) Episode 5: Creatures Episode 6: Vampires Episode 7: Ghost Stories I don't need to repeat myself here. I love the show and I love Eli. These were the final episodes. They were fucking great and I want more. Eli, can you hear me?! October 5- Nosferatu the Vampyre or Nosferatu: Phantom der Nacht (1979) This is a beautiful film that I enjoy revisiting. I hadn't seen it in a while and my roomie had never seen it, so that was extra fun. Herzog's films are truly special and this one seemed to blend perfectly into the biting cool air of the season's first chill. If you haven't seen it, you need to, and if you have, you need to again. With such a delicate balance of creep and humour, it's absolutely haunting and delightful. October 6- Steelers/Ravens game Always frightening, no matter what the season. We lost. Boo. October 6- Halloween H20 (1998) I've always liked this one, aside from Michael's mask. It's got a great cast, including the dreamy Josh Hartnett, and the story is decent. I don't find it as scary as the other installments, but I'm always down to see Laurie Strode kick some Myers ass, unless we're talking about 2018's Halloween. Yikes. October 7- Leviathan: The Story of Hellraiser Part 1 (2015) There is no greater mind than that of Clive Barker. I love his stories so very much. His novella The Hellbound Heart is incredibly good and I highly recommend it to anyone looking for a quick, dark sexy read. Hellraiser and Hellbound: Hellraiser 2 are horror perfection in my mind, so it was interesting to get a glimpse into the making of the films. I especially love learning about practical effects and you get all the gory details here, which is awesome. Part one focuses more on the first film and apparently the documentary is 7 hours in its entirety. Whaaaaat?! I'd love to watch the whole thing. If you're a Clive Barker fan and love the Hellraiser films as much as I do, you should probably see this. October 8- The Gates of Hell or City of the Living Dead (1980) I'm just going to leave this clip below, without context. This movie is fucking awesome! I enjoyed every nasty minute of it, and now I have finally completed Fulci's Gates of Hell trilogy. Not in the order intended, but I don't think it really matters. I watched The Beyond a year or two ago and have seen The House by the Cemetery many times. I think The Gates of Hell/City of the Living Dead might be my favourite. A must see, especially if you adore practical effects like I do. October 9- Never Sleep Again: The Elm Street Legacy (2013) I got a kick out of this, but at four hours in length you better be a big Elm Street fan. If that's you, please watch this. I doubt you'll regret it. Similar to the Hellraiser documentary, this dives into the making of the films, with some fun stories and an interesting look at the special effects. I find it comforting seeing Wes Craven talk film, or talk about anything at all, I suppose. He was such a gem and is sorely missed. RIP, Wes. October 9- Aenigma (1988) Back on my Fulci bullshit only a day later. This was another win for me, but I wouldn't put it on the same level as The Gates of Hell. I feel like the premise for the story was better than the execution, but boy oh boy does Fulci deliver on the gore. Bless him. I just discovered that there's a documentary about his films. I'll probably need to check that out soon. October 10- Creepshow The Series (2019, episode 3 ) Episode 3: All Hallow's Eve/The Man in the Suitcase I seem to have enjoyed this episode more than others, although I preferred the second segment. I'm not one for spoilers, but I can't not say that Big Boi makes an appearance. I love him so much, and the song "Shutterbug" gets me amped! I'm looking forward to seeing what episode 4 has in store. October 10- 100 Years of Horror with Christopher Lee (1997) Episode 1: Dracula and his Desciples I'm not gonna sit here and hate on Christopher Lee because I'm not an idiot, but this series is not nearly as enjoyable as Eli Roth's. Of course I love Sir Christopher, but this show just doesn't have the gusto. I think it's probably because it seems like Lee is just the host, rather than the mind behind the project. Having said that, I am always happy to hear that voice. Sigh. October 11- Next of Kin (1982) This clever Australian film flew under the radar for far too long, until my friend (and twin) Morgan recommended it. Thanks, girl! This film has a creepy, gloomy vibe and some good gore which fits the season perfectly. I really enjoyed the lead performance as well. Great story and effects. Top notch. October 11- Horror Noire: A History of Black Horror (2019) A fascinating documentary that I highly recommend. Featuring Ken Foree, Jordan Peele, Tony Todd and many others, Horror Noire takes you on an often uncomfortable journey into the history of black representation in the genre. Man, I felt pretty ignorant watching this. I never really gave much consideration to the racist connotations in films like King Kong, but I can't unsee it now, and I'm grateful for it. A must watch for horror fans, and well, everyone. October 12- Rabid (1977) I cannot believe that I never knew about this film until now. It's incredible. I mean, just look at that shot! It is everything. I love David Cronenberg yet this one completely slipped through the cracks. If any of you knew how good this was and never thought to recommend it to me, I will never forgive you. Much like Re-Animator, this checks off every box for me, and if you've seen this movie, the term "box" might make you laugh. It's cool when you watch a film that's been around for a while and realize the influence it's had on some of your favourites. This was very much the case for Rabid. In fact, there was one scene that I figured was influenced by Dawn of the Dead (1978), but this film actually preceded that one. Super intriguing! October 13- 100 Years of Horror (1997) Episode 21: Aliens Episode 22: Blood Drinking Beginnings Damn, that would make a great title for Dracula's origin story. Again, this was just ok. I mean, I love me some Christopher Lee, but this show misses the mark for me. It kind of jumps all over he place and isn't as entertaining or informative as I would have liked. October 14- Leviathan: The Story of Hellraiser Part 2 (2015) This was just as entertaining as the first installment, with more of a focus on the second film. Some cool interviews and perspectives, and I loved hearing about how many critics despised the films, claiming that viewers would be driven into therapy and even thought Clive Barker and his team should go to jail. Fuck, that's funny. Doug Bradley called such claims "utter bullshit" and said that nobody will ever wind up in a psychiatrist's office and say "I'm here because I saw Hellraiser." Hah! He's not wrong. October 14- Salem's Lot (1979) I hadn't seen this bad boy in ages! It still holds up, though you can certainly tell that it was made for TV. It was a miniseries, so I won't complain about the length, but there were some lulls. Having said that, I still love it. Some scenes are scary as heck and Barlo is, to this day, one of the most badass vampires in film. Also, I forgot how much I relate to the character Mark. Man, that kid rules. His life literally depends upon his knowledge of horror. So cool. October 15- The Monster Squad (1987) Eating Halloween candy and watching The Monster Squad took me right back to my childhood. Sorting through candy on Halloween night after trick or treating with the movie on in the background. I can't believe it took me so long to revisit this absolute gem. I can promise it won't be long until the next watch. Predictably, I cried again. I think I'll always cry during this one, just like E.T. But sometimes I love crying while watching movies, don't you?
So that's what I've been watching for the first half of October. I thought I'd cut it off there and write a second post, telling you guys about the second half. Sound good? Don't answer that. I'm doing it anyway because it's keeping me focused and in a good place. Thanks for reading, y'all. Let me know what you've been watching so far this spooky season. I'm curious to see what everyone's enjoying (and not). If I don't catch you before the big day... happy haunting! KR Fuck writing, I don't want to be a writer. It's stupid. It's a stupid waste of time. I feel ya, Gordie. That's pretty much how I feel about most things lately, and I'm just about ready to tell life to suck my fat one. Shit's been thick. It seems like one thing after another and I'm having trouble convincing myself that things will turn around. I know a big part of that is depression. It's sucking the life out of me and I don't have the energy to not be sucked. Ewwwww. But I'm trying. I'm trying to find reasons to be here, it just isn't easy. I keep crying. I've been crying a lot, and it's been hitting me hard at the most inconvenient times. At work, on the bus, at the grocery store. Ugh, my life sounds so boring. Honestly, I don't think this is the life I'm supposed to be living. I don't feel like I'm a real person sometimes. I'm certainly not myself. But I'm trying. I'm trying to figure out who that person is and where she went. I swear sometimes I look in the mirror and I don't know who's staring back. I think I've said that before in a blog post or somewhere, which isn't exactly comforting. It's weird to think that at almost 40 years old I feel like I have no identity. I can't seem to figure things out for myself and haven't quite come into my own. What does that even mean, though? Sounds masturbatory. Anyway, I've been spinning out. And I thought it might be ok because I was going to be seeing my counsellor, but due to a policy at the counselling office we won't be able to work together again. I was told I could go back on the wait list and see someone else so that's what I agreed to do, even though it may take 3 months. I considered contacting a therapist who works down the street from me, but it turns out she charges close to $200 an hour. I just can't. But not all is lost. I received a text from my counsellor, saying that she is allowed to have one phone call with me. One phone call. I'm in prison. But I'm grateful. It will be nice to reconnect if only for a matter of minutes because she is very calming. Plus, she looks like a fairy. I think she might actually be one. So there's that. Also, she pointed out that she was impressed with my self-awareness during this time, and then offered a few suggestions. One of which was to ramp up my self-care by incorporating some fun distractions. I've actually been doing that quite a bit already. Lately I've been getting high and watching tons of horror movies. Most have been re-watches, including It Chapter 1, which I don't hate as much as I first did. Also, I finally saw The Green Inferno. I can't believe I waited this long, but I'm so glad I did because it crossed my path at exactly the right time. I thoroughly enjoyed it. The practical effects are insanely cool and super inspiring. An awesome throwback to some classic 70's/80's Italian horror flicks like Cannibal Holocaust. It inspired me to dig out some Halloween makeup and get creating. I rediscovered one of my favourite pastimes--making zombie bites while watching old episodes of The Walking Dead. I don't necessarily even watch the show, I just have it on in the background. It's strangely soothing. Speaking of strangely soothing...the Steelers started off the season with a bang, going 0-2. I know, you're probably thinking WHAT THE FUCK IS SHE TALKING ABOUT?! THEY LOST! HAS SHE LOST HER MIND? I mean, that's up for debate, but honestly after seeing the way the team responded when Big Ben went out, I kinda like our chances. We lost Sunday, which sucks, but we've got a pretty dynamic young quarterback in Mason Rudolph. Even though I was pretty emotional after that loss, I felt better seeing Rudolph in his post-game interview. He was excited and confident, and reminded me of Big Ben when he took over for Tommy Maddox back in the day and everything just came together. It was calming to hear Rudolph speak. I'm heartbroken for Roethlisberger because it looks like he's going to miss the whole season and who knows what that means going forward, but I'm also super excited for Rudolph having this opportunity to emerge as a new leader. Plus, I think we could all stand to look at that pretty face on game day. This post hasn't been so pretty, in fact it's fairly mangled, but I guess the point of me sharing all this is to say that things don't always turn out the way you think they will. Take a look at how that zombie bite started off. Just some messy white stuff on my hand. Ewwwww. If you look close enough, though, you can find something you didn't see at first. One good thing. That's a little trick I learned from an old friend. He used to comfort me when things got tough by saying "one good thing." Sometimes it pissed me off to be honest, but if I really tried I could find it. Even if it was just a pretty flower or a cute squirrel. So maybe things are just fine even though it doesn't feel that way. Maybe Mason Rudolph will take the team to the playoffs, or even the Super Bowl, and maybe this new counsellor I see in a few months will end up being the Mason Rudolph to my Big Ben. And maybe all this crying will cure my dry eyes. Or maybe not. Who the fuck knows, right? Things aren't actually as predictable as we often think. Now I'm going to have a few puffs, make tea, eat Junior Mints and watch The Craft because I'm working on showing myself some love. And I will leave you with some Daniel Johnston. Sadly we lost him last week. RIP, Daniel, and thanks for the beautiful music. I'm not so sure that's always the case. About a month ago I agreed to go down to the police station for a video interview and photo lineup due to an incident that occurred a couple months prior. I was stressed out and in the middle of a major depressive episode. I found myself spiralling out of control and wasn't able to pause before I found myself tweeting amidst a full-on panic attack. I have some great pals on Twitter and they were all so supportive. I'm grateful to each one of them for reaching out, but what I did was not cool. Clearly I was feeling desperate and ungrounded, and I have compassion for that, but was it really helpful to put that information out there? No, it really wasn't. Not for me or anyone else. The thread has been deleted, but how many people read it and were upset or triggered? There is no shame in suffering, of course. It's unfortunately part of what connects us because it can't be avoided, but to what degree is it healthy to share our suffering with others? I don't have an answer, nor do I expect anyone else to, but it is a question worth considering. I mean, how often do we throw words out there without thinking about how it impacts others and also ourselves? Does complaining about having a bad day actually improve your day? Just a thought. And, believe me, I am in no way putting myself above anyone else here. Clearly I do this too. I'm just trying to figure out how best to share experiences and feelings, especially on social media. I'm sure you're well aware that I'm not with the positivity police. In fact, I can be a whiny curmudgeon who spends a lot of time watching true crime documentaries and reading terrifying and/or sad accounts of trauma. But I'm also the kind of person who finds humour in just about everything. It's what gets me through and makes tough times less difficult. Like, I can't stop laughing at the fact that the police have a video of me making jerkoff gestures. It's fucking hilarious and is probably the best thing I've taken away from the experience so far. So I guess the point of sharing this is just to say that I want to lighten things up a bit and have more of a healthy balance. Obviously everything can't be sunshine lollipops and rainbows, but it doesn't hurt to try and even the scales. I want to focus on the things I enjoy a bit more. Lately I've struggled remembering what those things are, but it's worth taking the time to rediscover. So that's what I'll be focusing on for the next while. I've already been revisiting some of my favourite movies and shows, and I haven't read a book in a while, so I'll probably do that too. I'd also like to spend more time in nature and less time on my phone and work on reconnecting with myself and others. That sounds like a lot. Now I'm feeling overwhelmed. Haha. I actually feel pretty good about this, and I've reached out to my counsellor so I will have her support again in a while. It's incredible how taking the first steps, no matter how small, can make a huge difference. Speaking of...thanks so much for taking the time to read this. It may seem like a small thing, but it means a great deal to me. K |
It Hatched...I'm finally doing it--pulling my insides out and splattering them around for all to see. Here we go! Archives
August 2023
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