"The simple past is a verb tense indicating action that occurred in the past and which does not extend into the present."
"The present perfect is a grammatical combination of the present tense and the perfect aspect that is used to express a past event that has present consequences."
If only my past were so simple and my present, less... perfect...?
I've likely written something along these lines in an earlier post, so I apologize for any repetition, but lately my mind's been wrapped up in something that happened almost two years ago, and I'm trying to figure out which thread to pull. How to make it un-happen. Upon revisiting this shit storm, I've come to realize that this isn't the first disaster I've been perpetually trapped in.
It goes against everything I've been reading about "being mindful" and "being in the moment" and completely makes me feel like shit about myself for not being able to achieve this enlightened state of "awareness." Kinda scary that the mere act of being present in a given situation is often considered to be an enlightened condition.
Lately, even my dreams won't give it a rest. I could think about anything I want, but yet I'm haunted by the same apparitions that follow me in my waking life. It's so ridiculous that it's almost laughable. Almost. Like, I could be having sex with the devil, and I'm standing here in this kitchen having an argument with you?! Come on, mind!
In an anthropology class titled The Prehistory of Pacific Peoples, I learned of a civilization that purposed the past to be in front of us, the future behind. We can see what's happened, but cannot see what hasn't. Makes sense. This belief suggests that the past is always there. It cannot be erased or forgotten, but rather is there to remind us--to inform. What happens, though, when it's so present that it's blinding? What's it trying to tell you then? Deal with it?
Maybe that's part of the problem--trying to forget but not actually dealing with it. But, exactly how does one deal with something? What does it mean to "deal?" To confront? Get angry? I've pretty much done all that. In any case, I'm wondering if anyone out there has any suggestions, aside from having a partial lobotomy. Though, I admit, that idea is tempting.
I'm finally doing it--pulling my insides out and splattering them around for all to see. Here we go!