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The Downward Spiral

2/6/2016

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Hi! Remember me? The one who used to share my writing on here? Some of you may be wondering where I've been, so here's the low down. Low. Down.

Yes, that's pretty much what I have to report. I've been struggling. I pride myself on being honest (most of the time) so I want to share what I've been going through as honestly as I possibly can, but this isn't easy.  

It's been over a month since I've done anything with this blog. Once upon a time, I promised to post something new every week. Clearly, I'm not keeping up. That shouldn't surprise me, since promises have never really been my thing, but I will admit that I am feeling a little--a lot--disappointed. I guess it's hard to commit yourself to much, though, when you're having a difficult time doing the bare minimum. That's what it's been like. That's where I've been. At the bottom. 

It hasn't just been a month-long struggle, though. I've been sinking for several months now. Occasionally, I've forced myself to reach out--share writing--and maybe even seemed okay, but I wasn't. I'm not. But I will be. I have to believe that. 

This may sound like whiny drivel, but that's not my intention; I simply want to offer an explanation. Some will understand and some won't, and that's fine. I just don't want to leave anyone wondering. Part of the reason I started a blog was to get me writing in another format, and to do something I've never really been too comfortable doing--share. In doing so, I've gained confidence and felt pretty good. So, why, then? Why have I been feeling so badly? I'll explain using a little anecdote. A Kenna Rae recap of sorts.

As a child, I never felt normal. I had friends, by default, as you kind of have to have them to blend in. No child wants to stand out, right? I still did, though. Stand out, I mean. You can't run away from what you are, right? So, anyway, I've probably mentioned before about how the time I most enjoyed was the time I spent alone. It's true. I would play for hours in my room, creating characters out of my stuffed toys and action figurines. I even had a make believe tv show with a storyline and a theme song. It featured a group of animals trying to relate to one another without killing each other. Hmm...

The reason I bring this up is because, although I probably seemed alright, playing away, creating on my own, sometimes I wasn't. Sometimes I just had to hide because nothing seemed alright. I never knew why I felt like that. It sucked, and it continued, and will continue. Furthermore, it's not easy to explain. Sometimes, when I stop contacting people, when I shut down and lock myself away, it's because I'm creating and I'm fine. But sometimes that's not the case. Sometimes I can't do much of anything. I pretend to function well, but I don't. Being diagnosed with depression and anxiety helped to explain some things but, honestly, there's just so much that cannot be explained. So many plot holes.

One thing I've come to realize is that I will have to continue to work on managing this. It is work, make no mistake about that. Hard work. The kind of work you should get danger pay for. It's like you're working on scaffolding without the general knowledge of how it works--how to maneuver--how to get down. Sometimes you do get down, but you don't always remember how. It's frustrating. Full-blown depression blows. All you can hope for is that you are able to arm yourself with the right ammo, so when the enemy sneaks up you don't have to feel so scared. 

So, there you have it. There may be times when you don't hear from me much. I might be okay, but I might not be. And that's okay. It is what it is. Sometimes I'm caught in a storm, and sometimes I'm hiding, waiting for it to pass. I like to build my own storm shelter, and keep the emergency equipment handy, but I don't always remember how to use it. And sometimes I use the wrong thing. It happens. 

That's a pretty heavy way to say hello, I know. But, hello again! I'm here. Just like I've always been. I'm here, and I'm trying.

K
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I thought I would share this photo that I took while on a walk in my neighbourhood. I love animals, and they always help me to see the light when all is dark. 
Here's The Downward Spiral, an album that helped get me through the teenage years. Seems fitting. 
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Charlie No Face

4/11/2015

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Have you seen this man?

He is often referred to as Charlie No Face, or The Green Man, and his story has become something of an urban legend. ​
"Charlie No Face" came about from reports of people seeing a man with no eyes or nose walking around a town in Pennsylvania at night, smoking. Many claim that the smoke would literally pour out through the holes in his face. A chilling image, admittedly. "The Green Man" was also spotted around Pennsylvania, and was thought to be the ghost of a man who worked at a power plant and was grossly disfigured during a work-related accident that melted his face off and turned his skin green. Some accounts depict the faceless man as a grotesque monster of sorts, whereas others describe a sad, lonely man who occasionally wandered around, seeking companionship. Such tales have been circulating throughout numerous communities, mostly in the state of Pennsylvania, since the 50s. ​
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I've been fascinated by this story since I came across it several months ago; it inspired me to not only write this post, but to write my own version of Charlie No Face. . .and I'm not alone. There are blogs about this man, and many people have felt inspired to write characters based on him. Various versions of the Charlie No Face/Green Man legend continue to surface to this day, and there is much speculation about the details of his life. The most captivating part about this story for me is that, essentially, it's true. ​

His real name was Raymond Robinson. He grew up in  or around Beaver County, Pennsylvania, and was a pretty regular kid, until he suffered a terrible accident as a pre-teen which left him permanently disfigured. As the story goes, Raymond was goofing around with some friends who dared him to climb up a pylon to look at a bird's nest. He was electrocuted by nearby power lines in the process, and was not expected to live. He did live, and well into his seventies at that. 

As an adult, Raymond mostly kept to himself, and apparently started crafting indoors to occupy his time, making wallets and belts out of leather. Man, I would LOVE to get my hands on one of those. The guy had no eyes! It's amazing to picture him intricately stitching  things together. Very cool. 


As his life wore on, Raymond became a local celebrity of sorts. He liked to walk around at night, which caused quite the stir. There's speculation about whether he walked around at night in order to attract attention or avoid it. Some say he  liked meeting people at night for good conversation over beer and cigarettes. As legend has it, people from all around tried to meet Raymond, and traffic became so congested in his town that police had to reroute  visitors to clear the way for locals. Even Vietnam draftees traveled to meet and be photographed with him. If indeed these events did happen, I can imagine this was quite the ride for Ray. 

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Versions of Raymond Robinson's story still continue to circulate, each  bringing an intriguing element along with it. I encourage you all to look them up! I keep finding more interesting aspects in the different variations that keep me searching. 

May the legend continue. . .
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    It Hatched...

    I'm finally doing it--pulling my insides out and splattering them around for all to see. Here we go!

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