Bad As They Seem

I had a dream the other night that I was watching the NFL playoffs and the Steelers were playing (that's the first cruel joke). They were playing the Rams for some reason, and there were a bunch of other games on, too. I ended up being on the field chatting with some players and Deebo (James Harrison) was there. So was Big Ben, and we were discussing plays. I checked the score, and it was 60-30 for the Rams. As I type this, the Steelers are losing to the Bengals 41-3. Maybe that dream predicted the final score of this game. Naw, there's no way we're scoring 30 points.  I'm not watching because thankfully the game isn't televised, but I'm feeling it. This has been a season. For all of my teams. Remember a couple months ago when I said I had a good feeling about the Canucks? I just laughed out loud. This is the way things go sometimes. And, once again, I'm seeing sports as a barometer for my own life.

Things aren't really jiving and haven't been for some time, so I'm making an effort to switch things up by redirecting my focus back onto myself. That means stepping away more, spending more time alone (I'm almost always alone, but somehow it feels like it's not enough) and brainstorming about what my next step is. This also means not torturing myself by turning on games when I don't think I can handle the emotions that accompany them. Even the highs (when they actually occur) can be overwhelming and I'm just not feeling balanced enough to accept that ride, especially when the prospect of a crash seems all too real. Being depleted of energy is huge. It can lead to depression and illness and really fuck you up. This time of year can be very draining so I'm taking a page from my own book by slowing down, winding down and calming down. 

One thing that I like to incorporate into my routine that helps is...you guessed it...music. And I'm not just listening to stuff that pumps me up, though of course I'm bumping some Rush here and there, but I'm listening to the stuff that allows me to sink into my emotions a bit. Lots of Mazzy Star, Dinosaur Jr. and Bjork are currently in rotation, along with one of my all time favourites and OG crushes, Hayden. I thought of this song while doing yoga this morning. During a moment of surrender in a child's pose, in tears, I heard a small child's hysterical laughter coming from downstairs. It made me smile, then made me laugh, too. It reminded me that, yes, things feel pretty bad right now, but laughter and music are always available, even in the darkest of times. 

Now I will leave you with this picture of me with Hayden, who is likely annoyed that this fan asked for a picture. Actually, I'm pretty sure I felt uncomfortable asking so my friend asked for me. Even better. This was taken after seeing his show with the incredible Julie Doiron. Excellent show. I love how Hayden raised the age of the girl from 16 to 23 when he performed "Bad As They Seem." A good call.

Well, that's it for now, folks. I'm going to tap out and tune in to some ritual practices, have a bath and meditate, and watch this video, because I know it will make me smile. Hopefully it does the same for you.

Cheers! I just remembered the cheers I used to do when I was younger and drank a lot. Some of you will remember these. Cheers to beers and tears and cheers to booze and boobs. I dunno, you guys. Take what you need and leave the rest. And above all, take good care.

​K